Everything you need to know about being a Modern Lesbian!And now SA's favorite online lesbian magazine! SEPTEMBER 2012 - THE SPRING FEVER ISSUE
I fought brain cancer
Dominique Kruger was born on December 14, 1984 she currently resides in Pretoria South Africa . The first time I met her I knew not only was she special but she was a fighter. Not the type who will abuse her girl or fight in a sticky situation I‘m talking about a fighter of life. I wanted to do an interview with her so I asked her the questions I thought appropriate, but soon I realized that her answers to questions was not only incomplete but they serve a higher purpose. Listed below is the questions I asked:
- At what age were you diagnosed with cancer?
2. What type of cancer did you get diagnosed with?
3. How did you react on this news?
4. Who supported you in this time period?
5. How did the cancer change your life?
6. When did they tell you, you have been cured?
7. How many operations did you have and what type?
8. How did you feel when they said you are better?
9. Not everyone can pick up their lives after such an ordeal how did you do it?
10. Are you healthy now and do you still get headaches?
But this was the answer she gave me:
There are few things I don’t remember: Like the name of the tumor, its just one huge name. Found out about it in 2006 I think was 21 at the time. I went to the doctor and he did a scan, said it was a tumor. So I went in a few days later, they cut the bump out and we gave it a few months. Next thing we know, it grew back like an octopus's tentacles and spread. When I found out at first I didn’t think much of it. But my family was worried. I went for the big operation and while under it the doctor turned my scalp around the other way, becuase there was cancer on bit of it. They cut my left nerve out above my left eye, they took my skull out; it nearly reached my brain. Then he cut this big piece of skin off my left thigh to cover what couldn’t be covered at the back of my head. That took bout another few months to cut it rite and get my eye brow lifted when the skin had settled rite. Had one or two small operations after the big one I was all done by age of 23 and then had to get a plate put in ,that took few months again but got the op done after all that with screws in lol. Get the joke bout having a screw loose every now n then lol. But I can laugh bout it. I found out I was all clear last year sometime. Still get small head aches but mainly cold from the screws they put in. But I had my family and friends at my side all the way. I just didn’t really let it get me down. I just pushed through and got back up. Took me a year or so but I have a job now and don’t think bout it at all. It did hit me at 1 stage last year but I got over it. No use in crying over it. Just got to be strong and keep your head up n be positive all the way through and move on. It got me seeing that life can be very short and it’s not as we make it sometimes. So I take each day as it comes and go with the flow of things everyday. I would never be where I am right now talking to people at work and customers and feeling confident if I didn’t push myself out my closet n go with the flow. Took some time but I got there and loving life now.
Not only is she an inspiration she is a lot of fun to be around, she makes endless jokes and enjoy life to the fullest.
Dominique from the modern l team we would just like to say we are proud of you, thank you for being an inspiration and to give hope when the light at the end of the tunnel may seem far for people who are combating this disease.
Written by: Martha Mienie
Letter of apology
A letter to our beloved readers
Things have been a bit quiet at The Modern L headquarters for the past while. Trying to juggle our private lives, our jobs that pay the bills, family matters, fighting for LGTB rights, taking on bigots, and other projects has forced us to put your favourite online glossy on the backburner for the last few weeks. But fear not ladies, we are back with a bang! Our heads are back in the game, our fanbase is expanding, and we have so much in store that we just cannot wait to share!
2011 is our year and The Modern L is YOUR magazine! So you can look forward to more gift ideas gadgets and gizmo's! More recipes to win her heart, more ideas on weekends away and hot nights out! More drama from the Doc, more misbehaving with Miss Jones, more Lipsmaking Lizzy the Lezzy, More music and movie reviews with Martha, Interviews with your favourite Dykons and anything and everything that has to do with being a Modern Lesbian. We also have a big surprise up our sleeves for all our performance arts fans so keep your eyes peeled for more news on Androgeny!
Of course none of this is possible without YOUR input and we'd like to know what you would like more of or if there's something new you'd like us to try! Also, our guest writers have been fantastic in the past, so if you have any stories or poems to share, pop us a mail and we'll gladly publish it! Also don't forget that we have our very own Agony Aunt in the form of Doc Jay to help out with matters of the heart. If there's anything you'd like us to ask anyone that we'll be interviewing in future, let us know, and if you'd like to use The Modern L to propose, we would gladly provide that platform. We would also like to start up a LGTB business forum, so if you would like us to promote or endorse your product or service, we are at your service!
Contact us via e-mail:
Martha Mienie: mullamartha@gmail.com
Miss Jones: modernmissjones@hotmail.com
Doc Jay: moderndrj@gmail.com
General: themodernlinfo@gmail.com
We look forward to hearing from you.
Kind regards,
The Modern L management team
Things have been a bit quiet at The Modern L headquarters for the past while. Trying to juggle our private lives, our jobs that pay the bills, family matters, fighting for LGTB rights, taking on bigots, and other projects has forced us to put your favourite online glossy on the backburner for the last few weeks. But fear not ladies, we are back with a bang! Our heads are back in the game, our fanbase is expanding, and we have so much in store that we just cannot wait to share!
2011 is our year and The Modern L is YOUR magazine! So you can look forward to more gift ideas gadgets and gizmo's! More recipes to win her heart, more ideas on weekends away and hot nights out! More drama from the Doc, more misbehaving with Miss Jones, more Lipsmaking Lizzy the Lezzy, More music and movie reviews with Martha, Interviews with your favourite Dykons and anything and everything that has to do with being a Modern Lesbian. We also have a big surprise up our sleeves for all our performance arts fans so keep your eyes peeled for more news on Androgeny!
Of course none of this is possible without YOUR input and we'd like to know what you would like more of or if there's something new you'd like us to try! Also, our guest writers have been fantastic in the past, so if you have any stories or poems to share, pop us a mail and we'll gladly publish it! Also don't forget that we have our very own Agony Aunt in the form of Doc Jay to help out with matters of the heart. If there's anything you'd like us to ask anyone that we'll be interviewing in future, let us know, and if you'd like to use The Modern L to propose, we would gladly provide that platform. We would also like to start up a LGTB business forum, so if you would like us to promote or endorse your product or service, we are at your service!
Contact us via e-mail:
Martha Mienie: mullamartha@gmail.com
Miss Jones: modernmissjones@hotmail.com
Doc Jay: moderndrj@gmail.com
General: themodernlinfo@gmail.com
We look forward to hearing from you.
Kind regards,
The Modern L management team
From the Doc Elephant in the room...
"There's an elephant in the room, and it's name is sex..."
This problem seems to be more affluent than anticipated, and even though I cannot always solve your problems, I can help you to understand them and maybe through understanding and empathy, you may just find the solution to the problems yourself. As lesbian and as a woman, we often say that sex isn't all that important to us. You are right in a way but also very wrong. This is largely due to the fact that our brains sit firmly between our ears and not between our legs. Also, we think of sex only ten times a day, unlike our male counterparts who think of it a staggering ten times a minute. We also secrete about a tenth of the testosterone they do, and testosterone is the main hormone that contributes to libido. But ladies, let's not fool ourselves, in a relationship, intimacy, more so than sex, plays a very pivotal role in the health and longevity of any relationship.
So the problem is this...
Your partner doesn't have the same sex drive as you. The two scenarios look like this, you have a very high sex drive and your partner has virtual non existent libido. Or, you have zero to none, and she wants to get it on all day every day. Now, we might not like to admit it, but the situation becomes difficult and puts a lot of strain on you, not jus physically, but more so emotionally.
Intimacy is very important. Making love, not having sex, means that your bodies share a secret and makes a promise that no one else shares but the two of you. Women in general are highly affectionate, and translate touch into feeling, into emotion. We are also very conscious of our bodies. This consciousness may cause us to land up on both ends of the spectrum.
The science for the layman:
As we age, our hormonal levels constantly change. It peaks and plummets at certain ages because our bodies constantly change. Diet, exercise or the lack thereof, pregnancy, menopause, adolescence and medication all influence hormone levels and this in turn influence libido. During our teen years our hormone levels are sky high, then starts dropping around the age of 25 when our bodies stop making growth hormone, and usually starts peaking again around 35-40 as our bodies prepare for menopause. It has also been widely reported that women during their second trimester during pregnancy have a sex drive second to none. It has also been widely recognised that a bad diet and lack of exercise leads to a decline in sex drive. This is because a body fat percentage of over 25% has a massive influence on hormone levels and a rapid decline in the production of testosterone. It has also been proven that regular exercise causes libido to spike because while we exercise our bodies secrete more testosterone, as well as endorphins that make us feel good. then there's medication. Painkillers, anti-depressants, mood stabilisers, sleeping pills and birth control drugs often come with warnings that they influence sex drive negatively. This is because these medications either affect our hormone levels directly or affects the way our brains cope with them.
Sex drive and psychosomatism:
Problems with libido and sex drive far too often come from mental and emotional states. A high sex drive may stem from a constant need to feed the ego or for a constant search for affirmation. The act itself may have very little to do with the need to do it, or in fact not to.
Statistics tell us that an alarming one in every three women have suffered sexual violence at least once in their lives. This statistic increases when it comes to lesbians as at least 2 in every 5 lebian women have either been molested as children or have been raped. This influences sex drive in two ways. Increased promiscuity or no libido at all. This is because of a very distorted view on sex and it's place within the relationship. These women often see sex as a tool; either giving it as a reward or witholding it as punishment because this is how their abusers have conditioned them to think. Survivors of sexual violence don't like sex either because of it's association of the violation that they've suffered and despite your best intentions of trying to convince them otherwise, they see your attempts as added pressure and lack of understanding, and causes even more friction as you both become frustrated with each other.
For many of us, sex is directly translated into love, security and acceptance. That's why a lot of people have what is commonly known as "make up sex". After a big blow out, one or both partners fear that the relationship has been irrepairably damaged and subconsciously have sex to "fix things". Thinking behind this is that if she sleeps with me, she obviosly still wants me. So what do you do if you don't have sex after a fight? How do you feel then? Does your relationship still have a fighting chance despite all this? Wake up ladies, it's not your relationship that intially takes the knock, it's your ego. Your ego in turn affects your relationship.
Some girls, for a number of reasons, just don't like having sex as often as others. They are fine with only having it a few times a month or year and it really doesn't bother them. Others want sex all the time for a number of other reasons. So what happens when these two worlds collide in a monogamous relationship? One partner feels constantly rejected, ugly and inadequate. She thinks that her partner doesn't want to have sex because there's something wrong with her, or she's doing something wrong, while the other feels constantly pressured and as if she's only good for one thing and thats all her partner wants from her. This is how it sends the relationship headed for disaster and throws the importance of intimacy right back into the fray.
Making it right:
There are no quick fixes or easy solutions to this problem. Even though it's our least favourite topic of discussion with our partners, communication is the first step. Not just airing out your own issues but truly listening to the concerns of your other half and wholeheartedly understanding where they're coming from. Then the hardest part, knowing and understanding that neither of you are to blame for this and stop trying to find flaws within yourself as to why things aren't going your way in the bedroom. Then it comes down to doing what we women do best...Comfort each other. This in itself translates into emotional intimacy and may help you overcome certain obstacles. A little understanding also goes a long way. The more your partner believes that you understand her and her needs, she'll be more accomodating to yours and the two of you become closer. Then on the flip side of the coin, if the two of you can't find a solution for the problem yourself, there are many other avenues to explore. Change your lifestyle and become healthier, get regular exercise. Speak to your doctor and look into other alternatives for medication you may be on, or speak to your doctor about medication for libido, and go for therapy if one or both of you may have other than physical libido issues.
There are so many things that threaten a relationship and so many reasons for couples to break up, so in that aspect, yes, sex is not that important and should never ever be the reason why two people, who love each other deeply, can't make it work.
This problem seems to be more affluent than anticipated, and even though I cannot always solve your problems, I can help you to understand them and maybe through understanding and empathy, you may just find the solution to the problems yourself. As lesbian and as a woman, we often say that sex isn't all that important to us. You are right in a way but also very wrong. This is largely due to the fact that our brains sit firmly between our ears and not between our legs. Also, we think of sex only ten times a day, unlike our male counterparts who think of it a staggering ten times a minute. We also secrete about a tenth of the testosterone they do, and testosterone is the main hormone that contributes to libido. But ladies, let's not fool ourselves, in a relationship, intimacy, more so than sex, plays a very pivotal role in the health and longevity of any relationship.
So the problem is this...
Your partner doesn't have the same sex drive as you. The two scenarios look like this, you have a very high sex drive and your partner has virtual non existent libido. Or, you have zero to none, and she wants to get it on all day every day. Now, we might not like to admit it, but the situation becomes difficult and puts a lot of strain on you, not jus physically, but more so emotionally.
Intimacy is very important. Making love, not having sex, means that your bodies share a secret and makes a promise that no one else shares but the two of you. Women in general are highly affectionate, and translate touch into feeling, into emotion. We are also very conscious of our bodies. This consciousness may cause us to land up on both ends of the spectrum.
The science for the layman:
As we age, our hormonal levels constantly change. It peaks and plummets at certain ages because our bodies constantly change. Diet, exercise or the lack thereof, pregnancy, menopause, adolescence and medication all influence hormone levels and this in turn influence libido. During our teen years our hormone levels are sky high, then starts dropping around the age of 25 when our bodies stop making growth hormone, and usually starts peaking again around 35-40 as our bodies prepare for menopause. It has also been widely reported that women during their second trimester during pregnancy have a sex drive second to none. It has also been widely recognised that a bad diet and lack of exercise leads to a decline in sex drive. This is because a body fat percentage of over 25% has a massive influence on hormone levels and a rapid decline in the production of testosterone. It has also been proven that regular exercise causes libido to spike because while we exercise our bodies secrete more testosterone, as well as endorphins that make us feel good. then there's medication. Painkillers, anti-depressants, mood stabilisers, sleeping pills and birth control drugs often come with warnings that they influence sex drive negatively. This is because these medications either affect our hormone levels directly or affects the way our brains cope with them.
Sex drive and psychosomatism:
Problems with libido and sex drive far too often come from mental and emotional states. A high sex drive may stem from a constant need to feed the ego or for a constant search for affirmation. The act itself may have very little to do with the need to do it, or in fact not to.
Statistics tell us that an alarming one in every three women have suffered sexual violence at least once in their lives. This statistic increases when it comes to lesbians as at least 2 in every 5 lebian women have either been molested as children or have been raped. This influences sex drive in two ways. Increased promiscuity or no libido at all. This is because of a very distorted view on sex and it's place within the relationship. These women often see sex as a tool; either giving it as a reward or witholding it as punishment because this is how their abusers have conditioned them to think. Survivors of sexual violence don't like sex either because of it's association of the violation that they've suffered and despite your best intentions of trying to convince them otherwise, they see your attempts as added pressure and lack of understanding, and causes even more friction as you both become frustrated with each other.
For many of us, sex is directly translated into love, security and acceptance. That's why a lot of people have what is commonly known as "make up sex". After a big blow out, one or both partners fear that the relationship has been irrepairably damaged and subconsciously have sex to "fix things". Thinking behind this is that if she sleeps with me, she obviosly still wants me. So what do you do if you don't have sex after a fight? How do you feel then? Does your relationship still have a fighting chance despite all this? Wake up ladies, it's not your relationship that intially takes the knock, it's your ego. Your ego in turn affects your relationship.
Some girls, for a number of reasons, just don't like having sex as often as others. They are fine with only having it a few times a month or year and it really doesn't bother them. Others want sex all the time for a number of other reasons. So what happens when these two worlds collide in a monogamous relationship? One partner feels constantly rejected, ugly and inadequate. She thinks that her partner doesn't want to have sex because there's something wrong with her, or she's doing something wrong, while the other feels constantly pressured and as if she's only good for one thing and thats all her partner wants from her. This is how it sends the relationship headed for disaster and throws the importance of intimacy right back into the fray.
Making it right:
There are no quick fixes or easy solutions to this problem. Even though it's our least favourite topic of discussion with our partners, communication is the first step. Not just airing out your own issues but truly listening to the concerns of your other half and wholeheartedly understanding where they're coming from. Then the hardest part, knowing and understanding that neither of you are to blame for this and stop trying to find flaws within yourself as to why things aren't going your way in the bedroom. Then it comes down to doing what we women do best...Comfort each other. This in itself translates into emotional intimacy and may help you overcome certain obstacles. A little understanding also goes a long way. The more your partner believes that you understand her and her needs, she'll be more accomodating to yours and the two of you become closer. Then on the flip side of the coin, if the two of you can't find a solution for the problem yourself, there are many other avenues to explore. Change your lifestyle and become healthier, get regular exercise. Speak to your doctor and look into other alternatives for medication you may be on, or speak to your doctor about medication for libido, and go for therapy if one or both of you may have other than physical libido issues.
There are so many things that threaten a relationship and so many reasons for couples to break up, so in that aspect, yes, sex is not that important and should never ever be the reason why two people, who love each other deeply, can't make it work.
Life
Sometimes life throws us in different directions, we get lost and found and we never cease to search. Why do we do the things we do? No one knows but that is exactly what makes life an adventure.
Can we deny the burning feeling we get? Life is full of answers yet we don't always get the answers. Like for instance we have friends but as soon as our friends get a girl something changes instead of everyone getting together our so called friends can't even let us know they are not attending your social event. We feel sad and disappointed by this but we never no not even once ask them why they said they coming and then they don't show.
Our lovers sometimes do unexpected things, it can be anything from going for a drink with another woman but forget to mention it to you. Or they make friends with the enemy and we all know how that is going to end. When we find these things out we feel pushed aside like a spoonful of left over peas.
We are woman who love woman, we value our friendships and we try and do great in life, yes things don't always go as planned and we won't find answers to questions that we don't ask..I say let's have fun, remember your friends- they will be there when your life falls apart, treat your lover right as there will be another woman who will treat her better. Don't forget where you came from it only makes you stronger and help to keep you on the path moving forward.
Ladies let your inner child come out and play growing up is one thing getting old is another, I guess what I am saying is we all got to light up sometimes and break loose. Cheating on your lover is not one of them. There are people in the world that sees lesbianism as a crime and some may stare and whisper something behind your back.
How you react to these gestures is vital I always try not to be rude and if they stare I smile at them that way I am proud and I don't back down even though no words are spoken. So to all the lesbians and bi girls out there live your life and have fun while doing it.
Can we deny the burning feeling we get? Life is full of answers yet we don't always get the answers. Like for instance we have friends but as soon as our friends get a girl something changes instead of everyone getting together our so called friends can't even let us know they are not attending your social event. We feel sad and disappointed by this but we never no not even once ask them why they said they coming and then they don't show.
Our lovers sometimes do unexpected things, it can be anything from going for a drink with another woman but forget to mention it to you. Or they make friends with the enemy and we all know how that is going to end. When we find these things out we feel pushed aside like a spoonful of left over peas.
We are woman who love woman, we value our friendships and we try and do great in life, yes things don't always go as planned and we won't find answers to questions that we don't ask..I say let's have fun, remember your friends- they will be there when your life falls apart, treat your lover right as there will be another woman who will treat her better. Don't forget where you came from it only makes you stronger and help to keep you on the path moving forward.
Ladies let your inner child come out and play growing up is one thing getting old is another, I guess what I am saying is we all got to light up sometimes and break loose. Cheating on your lover is not one of them. There are people in the world that sees lesbianism as a crime and some may stare and whisper something behind your back.
How you react to these gestures is vital I always try not to be rude and if they stare I smile at them that way I am proud and I don't back down even though no words are spoken. So to all the lesbians and bi girls out there live your life and have fun while doing it.
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