Behind GeeGee's Curtain: Letties are just chicks too

When I was asked to write a column for The Modern L I was incredibly flattered and agreed without hesitation.  Ok, I’d had a few toots and I’d pretty much agree to anything with a few drinks under the belt, it really doesn’t take much to twist my rubber arm.  The next morning, along with my hangover, the angst hit and I thought ‘Oooooh fuckity fuck fuck!  What have I done?  A straight chick writing for a lesbian magazine?  You’re kidding, right?  Bitch, what the fuck were you thinking??’  After I’d calmed down to a panic I had a little think about it and realised that letties are chicks too – they just don’t like dicks – and they would probably enjoy a good goss and a good scandal like any straight woman would, the ones that admit it anyway.  Gawd knows, just the stories I’ve heard from my lesbian friends have shown me you guys tend to thrive on drama!  Kidding...  Ok, just a little bit...  I’ve had something weighing on my mind for a few months now and I thought what better place to vent than right here, especially since the chances of my ‘subject’ ever seeing it are pretty slim.  Here’s hoping she doesn’t turn lezzie in her middle aged years and suddenly follow the Modern L...

Sometime last year I hooked up with an old school friend when she found me on Facebook after we’d had no contact in over a decade.  The two of us were inseparable in primary and high school but when I moved out of town we lost contact because it was in the old days before cell phones were invented.  Anyway, shortly after we found each other again her husband of 25 years passed away and my heart went out to her in a way I’d never really experienced before.  It was absolutely heartbreaking beyond compare.  At his memorial her sister came to me and made me promise that I would spend a lot of time with her, invite her round, keep her distracted, that kind of thing...  A few of my friends warned me against it with that old platitude about widows wanting to steal other women’s men but I thought there is NO WAY she’s like that and she would never try that on with me even if she was.  Well...  Much to my undiluted horror I soon discovered that she takes that shit to a whole new level.  Seriously, her husbands’ ashes were still smouldering when she started hunting for dick!!

Everyone who knows me knows I value my privacy and I’m slightly allergic to the outside world, so most weekends are spent in our pub at home called ‘The Rabbit Hole’ with my husbands Himself and Hawtentawt.  There are a few other people that get invited regularly and they’ve been dubbed the ‘Merry Misfits’ so I thought it would be a great way to get her to meet new people and have some fun.  The very first time we had her round she got quite shitfaced (as one always does in The Rabbit Hole) and was full of beans, nothing at all wrong with that and she kept asking Himself to dance with her.  He’s not big on dancing but I made him do it because I reckoned the poor woman has lost her husband and obviously needs to feel a man’s arms around her and I genuinely didn’t mind.  Himselfs’ cousin was here that night, she is by far the most laid back person I know but at one point we were walking into the bar and Himself had his head down to hear what this woman was trying to say and I suspect his cousin thought they were snogging.  She’s never at a loss for words but at that moment she just rushed into the bar with a panicked shout of ‘Hey!!’  I’ve been with Himself for 27 years and God Bless that man, he is completely oblivious when girlies come onto him, but after that night he said to me, ‘Babe, I don’t think you should invite her round again, she’s a predator...’ long pause  ‘...a Pterodactyl.‘ 

Naturally I was on the floor and told him not to be silly so the next weekend we had her over again.  This time Hawtentawt was there too and she took one look at him and asked me if I thought he’d go ‘straight’ for one night.  I thought she was joking until Hawts told me she propositioned him and he nearly shat himself.  That night Hawtentawt crashed in the lounge so that she could have the bedroom and when I went to say goodnight to him he rocketed off the sofa with his eyes as big as saucers.  He thought it was Ptery coming to have her dirty way with him and after spending ages trying and failing to lock the lounge door to keep her out he was feeling rather uhm.... vigilant.  So, after that I had both my husbands giving me a hard time about inviting her over but I don’t tend to do what men tell me so I had her over again.  Hawtentawt suddenly came down with flu – funny that - so it was just the 3 of us.  Himself started yawning uncharacteristically early and made his way to the sofa leaving Ptery and I to have some ‘girl talk’.  We had a great night reminiscing about the old days and then she was venting and crying about what she’d been through, which was fine by me.  Isn’t that what friends are for?  I was exhausted and dying to go to bed but I didn’t feel I could leave her on her own so I was very happy when she told me she needs to go to sleep and we said our goodnights.  Little did I know that she had absolutely no intention of being on her own.  I went to check on Himself and he was out cold in front of the telly so I left him there and went upstairs.  Less than half an hour later he comes rushing into our room like he’s seen a ghost and tells me she went to wake him up, telling him I’ve abandoned her, she’s bored and wants him to ‘party’ with her!  I find all of this hysterical but the guys?  Not so much.  Bearing in mind that this woman is only about 5ft3 and 45kg’s soaking wet I find it highly amusing that these two strapping men are so terrified of her. 

I still felt bad about her being lonely , especially since she started calling my house her ‘home away from home’ so I came to an agreement with my husbands – if we ever invited her round in future we would have Tony Polony round too, to keep her *cough* busy.  Cool, done deal.  I still thought they were being silly seeing as she’d never met the Polony but agreed to go along with it just so I could still continue having her over.  I’ve known Tony Polony my whole life and although I wouldn’t call him the type of man whore for who even a warm puddle of mud would do, he comes pretty close and often regales us with tales of the bizarre situations he finds himself in.  His latest misadventure included being caught off guard and finding one hand tied to a bedpost with a cable-tie.  When he freaked out the woman he’d picked up took a side cutter to his pinkie toe and threatened to cut it off if he didn’t calm down!  He’s a confirmed bachelor so it’s all good if he wants to sow his wild oats.  To cut a long story short, that night he came into the Rabbit Hole from outside announcing with a rather bemused expression on his face that Ptery had just given him a blowjob in the garden.  Two hours later they disappeared into the guest room and nobody saw them again for the rest of the night.  Me, being me, clearly had to get the down low from him when I spoke to him a week later and he told me she nearly broke him, to the extent that he felt he needed to be hospitalised after that night.  I tend to believe him because after that he went on a 2 month long detox and we haven’t seen him since.  I think he suspects that she’ll be here when he comes over again, and he won’t be wrong.  I’m feeling very guilty for not having her over since, but my husbands will kill me if Tony Polony (or any other man) isn’t here too. 

Between us, I’m kinda over the whole thing and a little pissed off at the cheek of it all but there’s no way I’m going to admit to the guys that they were right and stop having her over...  No.  Bloody.  Way.  Unfortunately the only way I see this all ending is if I emigrate.  Or die.

So there you have it.  The latest mindfuck of a situation I’ve managed to get myself into in a nutshell.  Hope you enjoyed reading about it; after all, lezzies really are just chicks too!

Catch you in the comics

GeeGee xx