Before the storm…
I’m sure you’ve all heard this before, a girl tells you that you need to change or things between you will end. Then, you do your best to change and six months down the line she tells you that you are not the person she fell in love with. Being difficult to please is part of what makes women unique and lets face it girls, we’ll never get it 100% right so the next best thing is to do it right, right from the start. When we go through a break up we always ask ourselves what we did wrong or how we could have done it differently or even if she gives you one more chance you’ll so such and such. Why wait until it gets to that? As they say, prevention is better than cure so here’s a few tips on maintenance and cultivation. Please bare in mind though, too much of anything is bad! Moderation is key here. Balance.
Communication: This is single-handedly the biggest part of any relationship. Whether it be a friendship, a courtship or a marriage. Always make time to talk and always share your feelings with each other. Every now and then take a time out and discuss your relationship. Talk about what made you fall in love with each other, what irritates you about each other, what your fears are and what you want for your future together. Discuss career goals and family, money issues and thoughts in general. This will give you clues on how to avoid future fights and it keeps you two on the same path towards a future together. Do this at least once a week. Also, keep in contact throughout the day. Don’t let a day go by without at least one phonecall or sms, even if it’s just to say hi or to ask if she’s fed the cat. But remember, moderation is key. If you’re too extreme you may come across as jealous or overbearing and this may lead to her leaving.
Keep things exciting: Always try new things and keep things fresh, in all aspects of the relationship. Don’t always go to the same place to party, don’t always take her to the same restaurants or malls, don’t always cook her the same meal and don’t always do the same things in the bedroom. Surprise her every now and then. This can be very tricky though so best you get to know her likes and dislikes before you make an ass out of yourself in the process. The last thing you’d want to do is take her out for a seafood platter only to find out she’s allergic to shellfish or take her to H2O if she’s a goth. If you do this she’ll think you don’t listen when she talks and are not attentive to her needs, but on the other hand, if you surprise her with tickets to her favourite play or flowers on her birthday, she’ll think you’re an amazing listener and that you care. Brownie points for you! Again, moderation is key, do this too often and it won’t be a surprise any more, all the fun will be sucked out and you’ll be too broke to maintain this type of relationship, you also don’t want her to be with you just because you spoil her.
Show that you care, don’t just say it: Balance and moderation is the most important in this aspect. If you overdo things here, you’ll come across as some creepy stalker person that she’ll definitely run away from. Show plenty affection, but keep it for an appropriate time and place, don’t try and make out with her at her grandma’s funeral, but when you’re out with your friends, hold her hand and show her that she’s part of the group. Be protective. Give her your jacket when she’s cold or give the crane driver that’s trying to chat her up a good talking to, and take her side when someone’s fighting with her and it doesn’t concern you, even if she is wrong. Be just a little bit jealous. This shows her that you want her and you actually give a damn.
These are just a few things that you should consider doing when you’re dating someone that you wanna get serious with. There are also a few don’t’s:
DO NOT: Flirt with her best friend
DO NOT: Flirt with her mother
DO NOT: Flirt with her sister
DO NOT: Rip out the whips and chains on the first date, discuss that sort of thing first
DO NOT: Mention your ex during sex or when she does something wrong
DO NOT: Make her choose between you and her family
DO NOT: Take things too fast
DO NOT: Get into a barfight because someone “looked at her”
Of these there are way too many to mention in a single article, but this should give you a basic idea of where to get started. Also take a good hard look at yourself and think of things that you think you can improve on. Also keep in mind that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, so get to know yourself before you go on the market.
Please remember that if you need someone to talk to I’m always available on e-mail (moderndrj@gmail.com) as well as facebook (Doc Jay). I always welcome comments and ideas on future articles, so keep it coming. Every now and then the punk in me gets out so we’re going to have some fun with next week’s article. I believe in showing people both sides of the coin, so now that I’ve shown you how to keep someone, The straights do “how to lose a guy in ten days” I’ll show you how to lose a girl in ten seconds!
Everything you need to know about being a Modern Lesbian!And now SA's favorite online lesbian magazine! SEPTEMBER 2012 - THE SPRING FEVER ISSUE
It Gets Awesome with Liz Feldman
Lesbeaus and friendlies! We're proud to present our "It Gets Awesome" episode of TJO! Please enjoy the super amazing Tegan Quin as we discuss just how much better/gayer it really does get. Enjoy, guffaw and be proud!!!
Wear Purple on October 20 for Spirit Day
What is Spirit Day?
The idea behind Spirit Day, first created by teenager Brittany McMillan earlier this month, is a simple one, not dissimilar to the idea of "Spirit Week" held in many high schools, and can be summed up in three words: Everyone Rally Together.Spirit Day honors the teenagers who had taken their own lives in recent weeks. But just as importantly, it's also a way to show the hundreds of thousands of LGBT youth who face the same pressures and bullying, that there is a vast community of people who support them.
Purple symbolizes 'spirit' on the rainbow flag, a symbol for LGBT Pride that was created by Gilbert Baker in 1978.
As one of the event's Facebook pages says: "This event is not a seminar nor is it a rally. There is NO meeting place. All you have to do is wear purple."
Wearing purple on October 20 is a simple way to show the world that you stand by these courageous young people and a simple way to stand UP to the bullies. Remember those lives we've tragically lost, and show your solidarity with those who are still fighting. 'Go Purple' today!
Check out GLAAD's website to see how you can participate at http://www.glaad.org/spiritday
looking for a lover then join them today!!!
From The Doc
“Broken”
All of us can say we’ve been through it at least once in our lives. And anyone will tell you that it is probably the most difficult thing you’ll ever have to survive. Most of you have already figured out that I’m talking about a break up.
Even though we try to analyze the reasoning behind it until we’re blue in the face, the truth is there are only ever two reasons why a couple breaks up. Either you mess up, or your partner does. In some cases deciding to go into the relationship to begin with can be the biggest mess up of all. I know I’ve been there! Of course there are many different reasons that lead up to either of you messing up but fact remains, when it happens it turns your whole world upside down.
In saying this, two things can result from a break up. The first instance, happiness and relief. If you’ve been in an overdrawn, emotionally draining relationship with someone you don’t really feel much for, or someone who is overly emotionally or financially dependant on you, or someone who abuses you mentally or physically, or you’ve found someone else, you will generally tend to be relieved once things come to an end and you get over it a lot quicker with less emotional scars and baggage. This doesn’t mean you never think about her again or don’t miss her. I mean think about it, it may not have been pleasant all of the time, but you shared things with her and she was a part of your world long enough to get into your head. It’s also not uncommon to think about what she’s doing at that moment, where she is, or when the lesbian ego kicks in, to think if her new partner is willing to put up with as much of her shit as you were. This is totally normal, and by no means, means that you want her back or you aren’t happy with the outcome.
The other situation is like this. You are shattered beyond all comprehension and you find yourself thinking – how will I ever be able to live without her? This happens more often than not. I might not be able to tell you how to get over the fact that everything that matters in your life has been ripped to pieces, because lets face it, everyone, with each their own set of unique thoughts, feelings, coping mechanisms and ideas on things will not be able to relate to a once off set of survival guidelines. But what I can do at this stage is to tell you the whys and how comes of your inner being, and maybe if you understand yourself and your feelings a bit better, you’d be better equipped to start the healing process and move on.
As women, we tend to get emotionally attached at warp speed and that’s one of the biggest reasons why we take so long to get over things, we also invest a lot of time and effort into our relationships and get attached to someone fairly easily. We also know, well for that particular moment at least, what we want out of our human connections and we do our best to get it. A woman’s biggest mistake is also her greatest blessing; we are able to give our hearts away without too much persuasion! Herein lies the problem, as with most things in life, you don’t want it back once it’s broken, and if the girl you were with broke it, she didn’t really want it either and in my opinion, the realization of this fact is the root of our pain.
As lesbians we are always trying to convince others that sex isn’t all that important to us, but let’s keep it real girls! Sex is also a very important reason why we struggle to let go. Think about it…if you’re getting jiggy with someone, you’re basically telling her your most intimate secret and she sees you in a way that no one else does. This is even more so when sex is translated into making love. That’s why I’m not a massive fan of drunken sex (even though I often recommend it to couples who battle to get over their inhibitions or that have lost their spark in the bedroom); break up sex and what is very affectionately known as the sympathy fuck. Believe me, for at least one of you, there aint no love there! All these just before or after a break up is also a very bad idea as it sets you back more than you’ll understand due to the fact that we are women, and we translate the physical into the emotional.
Then there’s the habit factor. When our lives intertwine, we change, evolve and adapt to people and circumstances. Now all of a sudden our entire reasoning behind all of this is taken away so we lose our sense of purpose. Before your lives became one, you could leave your stuff all over the floor, it was ok if you left the dishes till the next morning, you didn’t have to call anyone if you weren’t home at a certain time, you could go to specific places and see certain people without any repercussions whatsoever, you didn’t have to bother with who phones you and you’re not particularly bothered by the whereabouts of someone else. All of that and more get changed when you’re in the relationship and for some more than others, this evolution is extremely difficult. Then it all falls to pieces along with your heart, and the essence of who you’ve become is unstable.
Time is also a vital factor, especially time spent together and time invested in the relationship. Time greatly affects your emotional recovery, whether it was a short or long term relationship. A relationship that is high in intensity but short in duration can be one of the most difficult things to get over largely due to the fact that there are so many unanswered questions, and both fear and curiosity of the unknown is enough to drive us bonkers. What if? Not knowing can be devastating. It is also difficult to make peace with the things you feel. Is it possible to LOVE someone in such a short time? Did I really know the person? She didn’t even get to know me! These things will be stuck in your head for a very long time. On the other hand, if you were in a long term relationship, some of these questions do still remain. It just adds a whole other set of unanswered questions; add to that the habit factor and you have your very own little recipe for disaster.
I’m not a full time writer or a journalist so I don’t pull any punches or pussyfoot around anything, and even though I’m not, I’ll always give it to you straight. I don’t believe in undermining people’s intelligence by feeding them bullshit and stroking their ego’s to get them to like me, I’m here to help those in need with any kind of emotional distress they might be facing and in order to do that I need to earn your trust by being honest. If you’d like answers or advice on anything, please feel free to write to me. moderndrj@gmail.com or look me up on Facebook. As much as I guarantee honesty, you have my word that your privacy will be respected, nothing will ever be published without your consent, and you will always remain anonymous. If you need advise on relationships, abuse, addiction, stress management, grief and much more, I’m waiting for your mail! Watch this space for more articles regarding these issues and I also welcome any suggestions on future articles.
Pink and a Gay Wedding
Pink will be having a real-life same-sex marriage in her new video for her single "Raise Your Glass". Having been an allay of the LGBT community for years this was bound to happen and I am glad it finally did. The official video has not been released yet but I will keep you updated, in the mean time you can listen to "Raise Your Glass" right here!
To show you what a real and true ally she really is to the LGBT community you can watch the following video where she was honored with the Ally for Equality award at the 14th annual Human Right Campaign National Dinner. It was truly a heart warming and touching speech. Congrats Pink! You deserve it!
- Written by Megan
Coming Out Day 2010 with Liz Feldman
Friendos, Lizbians and Homotaculars! Welcome back to the wonderful world of This Just Out! Your favorite insti-gay-tor is back in action with her pals and special guests. This week the beautiful and awesome Tracy Ryerson from Showtime's the "Real L Word" joins Liz for an in depth and way too personal interview. Plus, Raimy tells you what you want to hear! As always, there are special guests and constant surprises. Watch out bullies, Liz is here to tell you that it's more than okay to be gay!
Check out Liz Feldman's official site for more fun and laughs!
MR AND MS GAY KZN
Enter the 2010 Mr and Ms Gay KZN
The Gay and Lesbian Network are hosting their annual Mr and Ms Gay KZN pageant at the Durban BAT Centre on Saturday 18 December 2010. The glamorous event which showcases the Gay and Lesbian community attracts entries from throughout KwaZulu Natal. Preliminary heats and the first round of judging will be held at the Wanderes Club in Pietermaritzburg on Saturday 27 November and at the Darchildbrandz offices in Commercial Road Durban Johannesburg Durban
COMING OUT DAY!!!!!!!!!
Congrat's to those who came out on coming out day also welcome to a new life and world. For those already out have a fab-day
Urgency
WHAT TYPE OF A SYSTEM ARE WE FOLLOWING????????????????
I guess its a question we need to ask ourselves more often. Have we become sheep where another life doesn’t matter to us? Are we following our own paths, make our own choices and be our own person?
Recently six very young gay boys committed suicide because they felt like there was no way for them, which their path was full of judgment, hatred and tormented. Is it normal to rape woman because they are lesbian? What type of religion are people following when they encourage such behaviors?? To who are we suppose to go with questions when our society, ministers, schools and every other system fails us are we going to be target when we are not what other humans want us to be?
So many ask must six boys who killed themselves be considered as heroes for their actions. You now what would people even care if that number rose to six million or billion kids, teens and adults? Why is it that people need to commit suicide before society notices there is a problem within a system?
Are we so blind as not to see what the f is going on? Everyday people get hurt b homophobic attacks and other means of violence. I say we take a stand, we start care about people around us, to show people its okay to be whom they are and that there is a place for everyone on earth. To those who think the planet belong to them think again because that is also being destroyed. Our presidents claim they have authority yet they use it for wrong reasons. Let’s make everyone aware of what is happening.
I will take a stand and for those that choose to live in ignorance remember health, wealth and life is not guaranteed. S when you find yourself in a situation think of those you chose not to help and accept the help and support coming your way.
WE AS HUMANS CAN STAND TOGETHER ONLY BY CHOICE!!!!!
National Coming Out Day 2010
11th of October is National Coming Out Day and here is is one of our favourite lesbian icons, Lizzy the Lezzy, to tell you why you should get out of that closet.
Rainbow UCT's Closet Burns Down
Monday the 4th of October 2010 a tradegy hit the Rainbow UCT society as their "Closet" was set alight and left severly damaged. Here is the statement from Dylan Jack Van Vuuren the outgoing Chair of UCT Rainbow Society:
Dear RainbowUCT
At approximately 22:55pm on Monday 04th October 2010 Rainbow UCT’s “Closet” was set alight and severally damaged after only being on display for less than twelve hours.
The Closet, which was positioned on Jammie Plaza from 13:00pm, was part of a display involving the UCT Campus Pride Pink Week Campaign, an initiative intended to promote LGBTI rights and highlight homoprejudice across the country.
This year the Closet was used to celebrate the country’s achievements in advancing civil rights for homosexuals and highlights the human rights violations that still plague our society. The closet which was painted pink presents instances of discrimination and homeprejudice across the globe. The closet was positioned allowing students and staff members to graffiti the outside with their own responses and views.
Rainbow UCT is deeply concerned about this cowardly act of arson. We are calling for direct action from University Management and request an immediate investigation to be launched in a bid to find those responsible for the act. We request that University Management including Campus Protection Services (CPS) acknowledges that this is a hate crime and an indication of a larger problem found within the UCT Community and broader South African Society which needs to be addressed. Rainbow UCT is committed to working closely with Management and requests anyone with information that could assist in the investigation to contact the relevant authorities.
Rainbow UCT wishes to stress that this incident will not dampen our spirits and Pink Week will continue to take place for the duration of the week. We look forward to seeing you at tomorrow’s event where our speaker Pierre de Vos will be sharing his “Reflections on the right to be different” at 6:30pm in NSLT. This couldn’t be more relevant at this time, so show your support.
See you there
The RainbowUCT TeamStatement and picture was taken from a student at UCT's blog, please check it out for more pictures and support him.
www.rainbowuct.org
“What Colour Are You?”
If anyone has anymore information or pictures please email us at themodernlinfo@gmail.com
PRIDE 2010 FEW IMAGES
If anyone has more pics they want to upload from pride please mail them to themodernlinfo@gmail.com
Also a young new tattoo artist coming onto the tattoo scene shes funky, gorgeous and take pride in her work check them out on facebook Untamed Tattoo Studio.
PROLOGUE
Caitlyn: ‘Amy what are you planning on doing with your life?’
Amy looks at Caitlyn in amazement, shakes her head and don’t know if she should get angry or not.
Caitlyn touches Amy’s arm and smile, in her heart she know her friend will make the right life choice.
The coffee bar called The Run Sack is almost empty, only a few people here and there. Both girls sat in the one corner of the counter. A woman sat two chairs from them wrapped up on her lap top.
Amy:” Cait I will get a job, save money go travel right now my friend I can’t see myself studying”
Caitlyn: ‘Amy just promise we will stay friends no matter what;’
They ordered their coffee and talked some more about their school years, about the future when Caitlyn look at Amy.
“So smartass where are you going to find a job”
Amy sighs: “I am sure I will find a job I have no idea where to start but I will find one”
The woman looks at Amy then smile she has not seen any young lady so beautiful as Amy, in her mind she wanted so badly to walk over to the two friends.
Caitlyn: “Amy you are frying your brains there thinking so hard you will get a job”
Amy:” and that’s why you are my best friend a fucking pain but a good friend.”
They giggled like they used to when they were nine or ten.
The woman paid her bill left a card at the counter and walked out, Jeff took the card read Amy’s name on it.
Jeff:”Amy I think this is meant for you” he hands her the card. Amy not really in the mood for weird people took the card shoved it into her back pocket paid their bill and motioned her friend to leave. On their way home not one of them spoke it was precious moments for them the silence in between all the madness made them realize how much they understood one another.
Outside Caitlyn’s home they talked more before saying goodbye. On the way home Amy was more then confused about the card then with the lady herself.
Lying on her bed she looks at the card flipping it upside down between her fingers.
It read miss I. Thatcher public library, yeah right what fucking ever Amy said out loud without intending too.
The rest of the evening went by so fast dinner with her parents was the same as usual the constant questions bout what she’s going to do with her life seem to start irritate her more and more.
CHAPTER 1
The phone rings….
Amy: “Richmond
Caitlyn starts giggling then say you are going to for ever answer the phone like that aren’t you?”
Amy: “what’s up dude?”
Caitlyn:” so are you going to tell me about the card Dave gave you?”
Amy:” well it a business card of a library on the backside it reads I can help you find a job the woman must be whacked I can’t work in a library”
Caitlyn:” dude what other choice you have you know what your parents said”
Amy:” yeah listen I got to go catch you later”
Without saying goodbye they ended their call, Am hate the fact that everyone was on her case like that al the time.
On her way outside she screamed out loud for fuck sakes what the fuck is wrong with these fucking people.
Se is happy with the car her parents gave her but not with the price it came with complete freedom also the freedom of getting a job and to move out of her home.
She did not understood why her parents was so inconsiderate about her she was their only daughter how could they treat her that way?
The woman was yet again at the coffee bar more intrigued she went and sat next to her.
Dave was in front of her Amy immediately with her coffee he handed her the cup with a huge smile: gosh girl look at you what’s up you’re yeah never mind?”
Amy:” fuck off” she was laughing now.
Miss Thatcher “good day I am Ingrid” she holds her hand out to Amy
Amy “hey how are you?”
Ingrid “I am very good Amy and you?”
Amy “been better thank you”
Ingrid “did you get the Card I left you because I thought you are looking for a job and I desirably need someone to help me out”
Amy “I did thanks but I don’t know hey I am so not the library type sorry not to offend you I love reading I just don’t think stuffy books is my thing”
Ingrid was taken aback a bit by Amy’s respond maybe this beautiful creature was only a pretty face nothing more nothing less.
Ingrid “well in that case I do hope that you get what you need by the looks of it young lady it doesn’t seem t me that you have a crisis’
With that she stood up and left the coffee shop.
Dave “fuck Amy did you have to be so bitchy about it?”
He shook his head and turned he’s back on Amy; she also stood up and left knowing he will write her coffee up.
Amy felt foolish dialing the number twenty minutes later, the number did not ring too long before Ingrid answered.
Ingrid “miss Thatcher good evening”
Amy “ its me Amy I am sorry for being a jerk earlier and I will understand f you do not she to speak to me but I really need a job everyone I driving me insane”
Ingrid “Amy calm down please meet me at the girls high school in an hour it’s the one by the st Peters
She hung up the phone in Amy’s ear not expecting the girl to show up for the appointment. In Amy’s head time almost stood still as she drove over to the school, her car picked up speed while music was flowing out of the speakers.
She turned left into Main Avenue
Ingrid “good evening Amy I am so glad you made it” she said smiling
Dr J
What if we have been beaten to the ground (emotionally, mentally, psychically)?
What if we are too tired or broken to stand up?
What if we are too tired or broken to stand up?
What about the girl selling her body, the woman who beats on her lover after a drink too many?
The silent girl who drags a blade across her skin to make sure she still have feelings the woman who takes her heroin shot praying it to be her last?
The silent girl who drags a blade across her skin to make sure she still have feelings the woman who takes her heroin shot praying it to be her last?
Please contact her on themodernlinfo@gmail.com
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