Social Butterfly: Sunday night at the Cornerhouse

Social Butterfly: Sunday night at the Cornerhouse

As Sundays go, we often don’t have much option as to what to get up to if we’ve hadn’t had enough partying on the weekend. The usual Friday and Saturday hang outs might be open, but often don’t offer what we’re in the mood for or we might have had enough of the usual. Enter something completely different, the perfect way to wind down the weekend by popping in to the Cornerhouse on Witkoppen in Fourways JHB.

The bar is well stocked, with almost any drink you can think of, there’s specials on draughts and other drinks most of the time, shooter girls walking around offering a variety of shots, some even offered in a syringe. Then there’s the Pizza. They boast to have the best pizza in town, and they might just be right! The pizza is fantastic.

Then there’s the entertainment. Cornerhouse has live entertainment six nights a week and on Sundays, NRG performs for your auditory pleasure! They mix it up with songs from the Rolling Stones, Metallica, Santana and even some seventees funk to keep the party going.

The venue is great! Lots of space inside and outside, upstairs and downstairs. Inside downstairs is mostly reserved for the dancefloor but upstairs and outside has benches for those of us who want to grab a bite or socialise a little more passively. There’s also 3 bars to choose from. I would recommend the outside more in Summer though.

As far as the crowd goes, it’s a mixed bunch and anything goes. Other muzos often frequent the Cornerhouse and there’s quite a large crowd of lesbians that call the Cornerhouse their home without the expected homophobic ill-treatment.

As mentioned earlier, the Cornerhouse is open six days a week, Tuesdays to Sundays with live entertainment every night!

Jax Dunienville Blood Cancer Survivor

Imagine your four and a half year daughter gets diagnosed with cancer, not just any cancer blood cancer (Leukemia).  This is something that no parent ever want to think about or even live through. The dangers of cancer we all know too well but then you get those miracles that fight against it. Even small bodies can be strong enough with love, courage and hope. We spoke to a cancer survivor and this is what she had to say:

First please tell us more about yourself?

I am 22 years old and I reside in Johannesburg South Africa, I was born on the 9th of November 1989. I am a cancer survivor it made me who I am today too me it was the best thing that happend. I am studying to become a massuese , I am good with my hands. I am a very loving and caring person, down to earth and spiritual. My daughter is the love of my life she is one and a half going on five.

How old were you when you got diagnosed with Leukemia ?

Four and a half

Can you remember the treatments, the pain as well as living with lucemia and how did it affect your childhood?

I went for treatments three times a week, two was chemo therapy and the other one was lumber punching where they draw bone marrow from your spine. I had no pain but then again I don't remember everything as it was a longtime ago. I did not go to creche like other kids did and I got picked on in primary school because of not having hair

That seems like a lot of treatment for a child to go through, how did your parents cope?

My dad took his suffering out in the casino he was there al the time, my mom was always there for me and never left my side, I guess they just wanted to stay strong for my sake.

At what age did you get the clear that you are cancer free?

I was seven almost eight.

I bet you were very happy, how long did it take for your hair to grow back?

I cant really remember and I was too young to understand what was actually wrong with me, I did'nt know any betterbut yes I was happy that my hair was going to grow back and I was happy because I didnt need to go back to the hospital all the time.

If you could give a message to other cancer patients what will it be?

No matter how long you suffer or how bad it may get never let go of your hope and your strenght. Keep a positive and open mind about what you are going through becuase in the end it will be worth it and it will make you a better and stronger person.

Strong words in that message, we can say with all honesty cancer survivors are true angels and they are what heroes are made of. The Modern L is proud to be valued to share these people's stories and remember if you know someone who is suffering from cancer here is what you can do:

Help them by supporting them with a positive attitude.

When they feel down and sick try to cheer them up.

It is not always easy to do this but if they need someone to go with them for therapy suggest they take you with, people who are around cancer patients get to learn more about this from people's experiences.

Dont give up and dont ever stop praying for those people.

　
                                                                            Interviewed by Martha Mienie
　

Dear Doc

Your questions answered!

Dear Doc

My girlfriend recently left me for another woman. I'm trying to cope and get over her but she keeps contacting me. She tells me that she regrets what she did and that she will always love me, that her relationship with the other woman is headed for disaster and that she's miserable without me. I always fall for her stories only to end up getting hurt all over again. I want to move on with my life but I keep falling into her trap. I cant do this any more. Please help!

Sasha, 24
Hi Sasha

You are not alone! So many people have asked me this question in the last while and I always have the same answer. You need to cut all contact with her. Delete and block her off all social networking platforms, remove her number from your phone and bar incoming calls from her. Also, try and not go to places that she frequents. Out of sight, out of mind. Simple fact is, she's using you as a backdoor or safety net incase her new relationship doesn't work and she's playing you like a fiddle, saying all the right things to keep you hooked. No one deserves that and I hope you have enough self respect and determination to cut her off at the knees and not to fall for her tricks again. Also keep in mind that you WILL get over her, if you let yourself and everything will be ok.
Hi Doc

I met a girl that I really like and she says she likes me too. We've been spending a lot of time together and are we getting close but every time I mention wanting a relationship with her, she pulls away and it usually ends in an arguement. She says she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now and likes things the way they are but it's not enough for me. what do I do now? I don't want to lose her but I want more?

Michelle, 20

Hey Michelle

Your question really hit home for me and I'm afraid there's no easy answer or quick fix for this. I can tell you that if you do put pressure on the situation you will eventaully lose her. Try and be accomodating and understanding. Respect her decision and enjoy the time you have together. Believe me, I know how hard it can be to put your feelings in your pocket but for now it will just have to do. You also need to decide if this girl is worth all the effort. You are putting yourself through hell and the emotional rollercoaster will eventually start taking it's toll on you. But if you want my advice, hang in there! Give it time and have some patience, something amazing may come out of it, like the relationship you so badly want or maybe a special friendship you may find you can't live without.

Dear Doc

I don't know what to do any more. Whenever we go out with our friends, my girlfriend starts flirting with everyone, especially when she's had a few drinks, she dances with everyone and carries on like she's single. I don't like it but I don't want to come across as being jealous and possessive even though I think she does it to make me jealous and get a reaction out of me. I end up not enjoying myself and fighting with my friends. It's getting to a stage where I don't want to go out or even have my friends around my girlfriend any more.

Catherine, 32
Hi Catherine

Have you spoken to your girlfriend about this? Clearly this upsets you quite a lot and that's understandable. I think if you speak to her and tell her how you feel about it she might tone it down a bit. Also, maybe if you understood her motivation behind all that, you won't feel so bad when she does it. Maybe she's just having fun but it should never be at the expense of your relationship. Also, maybe have a chat to your friends and tell them that it makes you uncomfortable to entertain your girlfriend's advances, whatever their or her intentions may be.
Hi Doc

I've been with my girlfriend for six months and I love her a lot. We moved in together last month and it's going great. I want to take the next step and ask her to marry me but I don't know if we're ready or how she will react? Any advice?

Alex, 27
Hey Alex

I'm happy to hear that there's a happy couple out there and that things are going well. As lesbians we seem to do things at lightening speed and it often comes back to bite us in the butt! I'm not saying that's the case with you, but if I were you I'd throw just a little bit of caution to the wind. Marriage is a very big step and it's one that should be considered very carefully. If you want my advice, wait a bit. See if you guys can live together just a bit longer without getting annoyed. Then maybe sit her down and have a chat about your future. Ask her where she sees your relationship headed and what she wants for the future. That way you'll figure out very quickly if it's a good idea to propose.

The Birth of Lizzy the Lezzy

I fought brain cancer

Dominique Kruger was born on December 14, 1984 she currently resides in Pretoria South Africa. The first time I met her I knew not only was she special but she was a fighter.  Not the type who will abuse her girl or fight in a sticky situation I‘m talking about a fighter of life. I wanted to do an interview with her so I asked her the questions I thought appropriate, but soon I realized that her answers to questions was not only incomplete but they serve a higher purpose. Listed below is the questions I asked:

1. At what age were you diagnosed with cancer?
   
   2. What type of cancer did you get diagnosed with?
   
   3. How did you react on this news?
   
   4. Who supported you in this time period?
   
   5. How did the cancer change your life?
   
   6. When did they tell you, you have been cured?
   
   7. How many operations did you have and what type?
   
   8. How did you feel when they said you are better?
   
   9. Not everyone can pick up their lives after such an ordeal how did you do it?
   
   10. Are you healthy now and do you still get headaches?

But this was the answer she gave me:

There are few things I don’t remember:  Like the name of the tumor, its just one huge name. Found out about it in 2006 I think was 21 at the time. I went to the doctor and he did a scan, said it was a tumor. So I went in a few days later, they cut the bump out and we gave it a few months. Next thing we know, it grew back like an octopus's tentacles and spread. When I found out at first I didn’t think much of it. But my family was worried. I went for the big operation and while under it the doctor turned my scalp around the other way, becuase there was cancer on bit of it. They cut my left nerve out above my left eye, they took my skull out; it nearly reached my brain. Then he cut this big piece of skin off my left thigh to cover what couldn’t be covered at the back of my head. That took bout another few months to cut it rite and get my eye brow lifted when the skin had settled rite. Had one or two small operations after the big one I was all done by age of 23 and then had to get a plate put in ,that took few months again but got the op done after all that with screws in lol. Get the joke bout having a screw loose every now n then lol. But I can laugh bout it. I found out I was all clear last year sometime. Still get small head aches but mainly cold from the screws they put in. But I had my family and friends at my side all the way. I just didn’t really let it get me down. I just pushed through and got back up. Took me a year or so but I have a job now and don’t think bout it at all. It did hit me at 1 stage last year but I got over it. No use in crying over it. Just got to be strong and keep your head up n be positive all the way through and move on. It got me seeing that life can be very short and it’s not as we make it sometimes. So I take each day as it comes and go with the flow of things everyday. I would never be where I am right now talking to people at work and customers and feeling confident if I didn’t push myself out my closet n go with the flow. Took some time but I got there and loving life now.

Not only is she an inspiration she is a lot of fun to be around, she makes endless jokes and enjoy life to the fullest.

Dominique from the modern l team we would just like to say we are proud of you, thank you for being an inspiration and to give hope when the light at the end of the tunnel may seem far for people who are combating this disease.

                                                                                           Written by: Martha Mienie

Letter of apology

A letter to our beloved readers

Things have been a bit quiet at The Modern L headquarters for the past while. Trying to juggle our private lives, our jobs that pay the bills, family matters, fighting for LGTB rights, taking on bigots, and other projects has forced us to put your favourite online glossy on the backburner for the last few weeks. But fear not ladies, we are back with a bang! Our heads are back in the game, our fanbase is expanding, and we have so much in store that we just cannot wait to share!

2011 is our year and The Modern L is YOUR magazine! So you can look forward to more gift ideas gadgets and gizmo's! More recipes to win her heart, more ideas on weekends away and hot nights out! More drama from the Doc, more misbehaving with Miss Jones, more Lipsmaking Lizzy the Lezzy, More music and movie reviews with Martha, Interviews with your favourite Dykons and anything and everything that has to do with being a Modern Lesbian. We also have a big surprise up our sleeves for all our performance arts fans so keep your eyes peeled for more news on Androgeny!

Of course none of this is possible without YOUR input and we'd like to know what you would like more of or if there's something new you'd like us to try! Also, our guest writers have been fantastic in the past, so if you have any stories or poems to share, pop us a mail and we'll gladly publish it! Also don't forget that we have our very own Agony Aunt in the form of Doc Jay to help out with matters of the heart. If there's anything you'd like us to ask anyone that we'll be interviewing in future, let us know, and if you'd like to use The Modern L to propose, we would gladly provide that platform. We would also like to start up a LGTB business forum, so if you would like us to promote or endorse your product or service, we are at your service!

Contact us via e-mail:

Martha Mienie: mullamartha@gmail.com
Miss Jones: modernmissjones@hotmail.com
Doc Jay: moderndrj@gmail.com
General: themodernlinfo@gmail.com

We look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,
The Modern L management team

From the Doc Elephant in the room...

"There's an elephant in the room, and it's name is sex..."

This problem seems to be more affluent than anticipated, and even though I cannot always solve your problems, I can help you to understand them and maybe through understanding and empathy, you may just find the solution to the problems yourself. As lesbian and as a woman, we often say that sex isn't all that important to us. You are right in a way but also very wrong. This is largely due to the fact that our brains sit firmly between our ears and not between our legs. Also, we think of sex only ten times a day, unlike our male counterparts who think of it a staggering ten times a minute. We also secrete about a tenth of the testosterone they do, and testosterone is the main hormone that contributes to libido. But ladies, let's not fool ourselves, in a relationship, intimacy, more so than sex, plays a very pivotal role in the health and longevity of any relationship.

So the problem is this...
Your partner doesn't have the same sex drive as you. The two scenarios look like this, you have a very high sex drive and your partner has virtual non existent  libido. Or, you have zero to none, and she wants to get it on all day every day. Now, we might not like to admit it, but the situation becomes difficult and puts a lot of strain on you, not jus physically, but more so emotionally.


Intimacy is very important. Making love, not having sex, means that your bodies share a secret and makes a promise that no one else shares but the two of you. Women in general are highly affectionate, and translate touch into feeling, into emotion. We are also very conscious of our bodies. This consciousness may cause us to land up on both ends of the spectrum.

The science for the layman:


As we age, our hormonal levels constantly change. It peaks and plummets at certain ages because our bodies constantly change. Diet, exercise or the lack thereof, pregnancy, menopause, adolescence and medication all influence hormone levels and this in turn influence libido. During our teen years our hormone levels are sky high, then starts dropping around the age of 25 when our bodies stop making growth hormone, and usually starts peaking again around 35-40 as our bodies prepare for menopause. It has also been widely reported that women during their second trimester during pregnancy have a sex drive second to none. It has also been widely recognised that a bad diet and lack of exercise leads to a decline in sex drive. This is because a body fat percentage of over 25% has a massive influence on hormone levels and a rapid decline in the production of testosterone. It has also been proven that regular exercise causes libido to spike because while we exercise our bodies secrete more testosterone, as well as endorphins that make us feel good. then there's medication. Painkillers, anti-depressants, mood stabilisers, sleeping pills and birth control drugs often come with warnings that they influence sex drive negatively. This is because these medications either affect our hormone levels directly or affects the way our brains cope with them.

Sex drive and psychosomatism:


Problems with libido and sex drive far too often come from mental and emotional states. A high sex drive may stem from a constant need to feed the ego or for a constant search for affirmation. The act itself may have very little to do with the need to do it, or in fact not to.


Statistics tell us that an alarming one in every three women have suffered sexual violence at least once in their lives. This statistic increases when it comes to lesbians as at least 2 in every 5 lebian women have either been molested as children or have been raped. This influences sex drive in two ways. Increased promiscuity or no libido at all. This is because of a very distorted view on sex and it's place within the relationship. These women often see sex as a tool; either giving it as a reward or witholding it as punishment because this is how their abusers have conditioned them to think. Survivors of sexual violence don't like sex either because of it's association of the violation that they've suffered and despite your best intentions of trying to convince them otherwise, they see your attempts as added pressure and lack of understanding, and causes even more friction as you both become frustrated with each other.


For many of us, sex is directly translated into love, security and acceptance. That's why a lot of people have what is commonly known as "make up sex". After a big blow out, one or both partners fear that the relationship has been irrepairably damaged and subconsciously have sex to "fix things". Thinking behind this is that if she sleeps with me, she obviosly still wants me. So what do you do if you don't have sex after a fight? How do you feel then? Does your relationship still have a fighting chance despite all this? Wake up ladies, it's not your relationship that intially takes the knock, it's your ego. Your ego in turn affects your relationship.


Some girls, for a number of reasons, just don't like having sex as often as others. They are fine with only having it a few times a month or year and it really doesn't bother them. Others want sex all the time for a number of other reasons. So what happens when these two worlds collide in a monogamous relationship? One partner feels constantly rejected, ugly and inadequate. She thinks that her partner doesn't want to have sex because there's something wrong with her, or she's doing something wrong, while the other feels constantly pressured and as if she's only good for one thing and thats all her partner wants from her. This is how it sends the relationship headed for disaster and throws the importance of intimacy right back into the fray.


Making it right:


There are no quick fixes or easy solutions to this problem. Even though it's our least favourite topic of discussion with our partners, communication is the first step. Not just airing out your own issues but truly listening to the concerns of your other half and wholeheartedly understanding where they're coming from. Then the hardest part, knowing and understanding that neither of you are to blame for this and stop trying to find flaws within yourself as to why things aren't going your way in the bedroom. Then it comes down to doing what we women do best...Comfort each other. This in itself translates into emotional intimacy and may help you overcome certain obstacles. A little understanding also goes a long way. The more your partner believes that you understand her and her needs, she'll be more accomodating to yours and the two of you become closer. Then on the flip side of the coin, if the two of you can't find a solution for the problem yourself, there are many other avenues to explore. Change your lifestyle and become healthier, get regular exercise. Speak to your doctor and look into other alternatives for medication you may be on, or speak to your doctor about medication for libido, and go for therapy if one or both of you may have other than physical libido issues.


There are so many things that threaten a relationship and so many reasons for couples to break up, so in that aspect, yes, sex is not that important and should never ever be the reason why two people, who love each other deeply, can't make it work.

Life

Sometimes life throws us in different directions, we get lost and found and we never cease to search. Why do we do the things we do? No one knows but that is exactly what makes life an adventure.
Can we deny the burning feeling we get? Life is full of answers yet we don't always get the answers. Like for instance we have friends but as soon as our friends get a girl something changes instead of everyone getting together our so called friends can't even let us know they are not attending your social event. We feel sad and disappointed by this but we never no not even once ask them why they said they coming and then they don't show.

Our lovers sometimes do unexpected things, it can be anything from going for a drink with another woman but forget to mention it to you. Or they make friends with the enemy and we all know how that is going to end. When we find these things out we feel pushed aside like a spoonful of left over peas.
We are woman who love woman, we value our friendships and we try and do great in life, yes things don't always go as planned and we won't find answers to questions that we don't ask..I say let's have fun, remember your friends- they will be there when your life falls apart, treat your lover right as there will be another woman who will treat her better. Don't forget where you came from it only makes you stronger and help to keep you on the path moving forward.
Ladies let your inner child come out and play growing up is one thing getting old is another, I guess what I am saying is we all got to light up sometimes and break loose. Cheating on your lover is not one of them. There are people in the world that sees lesbianism as a crime and some may stare and whisper something behind your back.
How you react to these gestures is vital I always try not to be rude and if they stare I smile at them that way I am proud and I don't back down even though no words are spoken. So to all the lesbians and bi girls out there live your life and have fun while doing it.

Doc Jay Object of your rejection

The object of your rejection

Reciprocation, my new favourite word. It basically means giving what you get. For example, if someone is kind to you, you reciprocate by showing kindness towards them. Reciprocation as such only makes its presence felt and its importance known, in its absence.
Here’s the dilemma, you have a friend, acquaintance or co-worker that suddenly develops feelings for you. Usually, but not always, this happens after either they or you go through a break up. Not really sure why this happens, might be because they are trying to use you as a means of fixing themselves, or they want to fix you.
Suddenly you are met with subtle flirtation, romantic gestures, regular invitations for occasions to be alone or in “couple” situations, small gifts with hidden meanings, and in some instances, a full blown onslaught of emotion and affection. More often than not, the situation takes you completely by surprise because you’re used to certain boundaries and comfort levels surrounding the lady in question.
Two things can come from this. You either reciprocate or you don’t.
Now how do you handle things when you can’t or don’t want to reciprocate? You know that either way the relationship as it stands, is in dire straits and it’s very existence is threatened by the development of these feelings if you do reciprocate, but even more so if you don’t. Human beings were not programmed to handle rejection and this sort of rejection is all too often misinterpreted.
Even more dangerous than rejection, is forced reciprocation. You may feel that, for the sake of the friendship, you should go along with it. For that reason and that reason only. You know within yourself, you don’t feel the same as she does, but you don’t want to hurt her so you force yourself into the situation. Now you have unwanted physical contact, you’re bombarded with someone else’s feelings you’re not equipped to handle. And so the resentment breeds. You start doing things to avoid her, think of ways to put her off, and after a while, when you just can’t take it any more, you start becoming just plain rude. This is not fair on either of you.
What also may happen, is that you reach for your running shoes, try to avoid the situation, and bolt out the door. But as experience tells us, this will come back to bite you. This is also not fair on either of you and it leaves too much confusion around the issue at hand.
Experience also tells us that the right decision is not always the easiest. It’s going to be hard, but the best way of going about this, is to be brutally honest from the word go. Yes, she might not take the rejection well, but it will cause much less damage to both of you and the long term damage to the relationship will be minimised. Social interaction may be awkward at first and there will be periods of uneasy silence, but at the very least you can walk away with your integrity in tact.
Not much is worse than chasing after someone that doesn’t want to be with you, but even worse is being with someone you don’t want, because in the end all you’ll be reciprocating is pain, resentment and bad relationship karma.

Visiting Luleki Sizwe

Last month I posted an article about Luleki Sizwe. An organization that is fighting it's way to make corrective rape more punishable. Well thanks to Lara Aucamp and Maddy Jerry Wolmarans who has organized that we go as a group go visit this organization and see for ourselves what Ndumie Funda, the founder of Luleki Sizwe, has created. This is the event information as posted on Facebook:

"On Saturday the 19th Cape Town Lesbians would like to take a group of girls to visit the Luleki Sizwe shelter for victims of corrective rape.

For more info: http://lulekisizwe.com/

We will be meeting at Mzoli's in Guguletu at 1.45pm.

Directions to Mzoli's:

If you take the Modderdam:

Rd exit off the N2 out of Cape Town, turn left when you get to Klipfontein Rd, Cross the railway line, pass a petrol station on your left, but carry on down Klipfontein.

Turn left at about the second road after the intersection, and you will see Mzoli's meat immediately on your left.

http://mzolisplace.co.za/

From there we will take a bus (Sponsored by Lara Aucamp) that will take people across to Luleki Sizwe.

The Luleki Sizwe soccer team will also be there and it might be great fun to have a kick around with them :-)

If anyone has anything to donate (clothes, tampons, food, etc) please bring that along. There will be a list sent out shortly with items the girls require.

For more info please contact Maddy at maddy@capetownpride.org

Hope to see you there!"

It would be great if we can get a group together and help out as this is our future.