We promised you something brand new, so please join me in welcoming a new columnist to the team, my lettie bag, and our very own hetero, Straight Stella! She’s witty and wise, and I love talking to her and always takes what she says to heart, and we hope you do too…
Abusive relationships happen all around us, and sometimes no one notices
until it’s too late…
So here I am. Dubbed the resident straight girl for the Modern L writing my maiden piece. I am delighted to be here and am equally grateful for the opportunity afforded to me by The Modern L to make my debut as a writer.
In preparation for writing my first piece, I have done some soul searching in pursuit of a suitable subject to base my virgin critique on, and after much self-debate I decided upon a topic that is as close to my heart as it should be to each and every one of our readers hearts.
This week marks the second anniversary of almost losing someone very close to me at the hands of a sociopathic maniac, and therefore, I dedicate this piece to her. Her courage and resilience in surviving and recovering from being caught up in an abusive relationship has served as a great inspiration to me, and whilst I am not going to share her entire story with you today, I hope that thinking about her plight and that of many others in the same situation will serve as a revelation to you too.
In the past I have quite naively thought that it is only common people or people that come from bad back grounds and up-bringing that fell victim to or became the “abuser” of such horrific acts. But I have come to realize that the occurrence of abusive relationships is a universal matter, and no matter your age, sex, ethnicity, faith, race, or sexual orientation, you too could become the victim or the antagonist of an abusive relationship.
It was my opinion that should anyone ever find themselves in an abusive relationship, that they should simply leave. And I think we all, naively, think that way at some point in our lives, and cannot understand why someone would willingly stay in a relationship like that. I mean, just pack up and leave, right? Wrong! I have come to appreciate that the truth of the matter is that it is simply not that simple.
The effects of the abuse goes much deeper and is much more ominous than what meets the eye, and unless you have been the victim or at least a close friend or relative of a victim, you will never truly understand the psyche behind why the victim stays.
Any victim, I believe, has to endure the various stages of abuse, and by the time the situation becomes life threatening, they have fallen so deep into that big black hole that they cannot see a way out. The abuse usually starts subtly with emotional abuse. The abuser breaking down every single wall the victim had built to protect themselves. Going into the core of the victim’s existence, ripping apart any glimpse of a healthy self-esteem. Once the victim believes that they are as worthless and useless as the abuser makes them believe, the estranging starts….the abuser will more often than not estrange the victim from their friends and families, so that they think they have no one to turn to and nowhere to go. Once that climate has been set, it’s all downhill from there. The abuser gains full control over the transport and finances of both parties in the relationship – therefore making the victim even less capable of getting out. The physical and verbal abuse gets gradually worse, the victim becomes the best liar in town as they are forever having to think up believable stories as to why they have a black eye, or a busted lip etc.
When a victim finally musters up the courage to threaten to leave the aggressor, the aggressor will make use of his / her best manipulation tactics to gain the upper hand again. Usually death threats, threats to harm their families, threats to commit suicide, crying etc. Some of them even go as far as to make the victim believe that they are suffering from some illness or disease and will surely die, should the victim leave and not be there to take care of his / her abuser.
Even through all of that, amazingly a lot of victims find a way out, be it some great family intervention, or the victim ends up in hospital, or whatever! The sad part is that the abuser usually is a master manipulator and an even bigger liar than the victim, and often the victim goes back to the abuser, firmly believing that the abuser has changed, or found Jesus or something – and then it usually doesn’t take long for the vicious cycle to start all over again. Some victims never make it out alive….
If you are a victim in an abusive relationship, I would like to tell you today that you are not alone, YOU have a voice, and your opinion does matter. There is a way out, even if your abuser threatens to harm you, you can get away, and there will always be people that care about you enough to help you. Be smart, plan your escape, and don’t feel too ashamed or too scared to ask for help.If you know a victim that is currently in an abusive relationship, I would like to ask, don’t forget about this person, please don’t lose hope and don’t give up. Reassure your friend or relative that you are there for them, no matter what. Most of all, be there when this person needs someone to help him / her get out of that situation. Do your homework, know the law and how to use it. Stay safe, and remember Rambo is a fictitious character. Use your head, and don’t get hurt.
If you are the antagonist in an abusive relationship, to you I would like to say: you have a problem. Your behavior is not normal, and there are people, professionals, that can help you overcome the issues that you have. Go and see someone before you do something to someone else that you will regret later.
That’s all from me for today, stay safe, and take care of each other – always.
Straight Stella
Once again this year, I've had requests for my Tequila Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 
1 cup sugar
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
