The object of your rejection
Reciprocation, my new favourite word. It basically means giving what you get. For example, if someone is kind to you, you reciprocate by showing kindness towards them. Reciprocation as such only makes its presence felt and its importance known, in its absence.
Here’s the dilemma, you have a friend, acquaintance or co-worker that suddenly develops feelings for you. Usually, but not always, this happens after either they or you go through a break up. Not really sure why this happens, might be because they are trying to use you as a means of fixing themselves, or they want to fix you.
Suddenly you are met with subtle flirtation, romantic gestures, regular invitations for occasions to be alone or in “couple” situations, small gifts with hidden meanings, and in some instances, a full blown onslaught of emotion and affection. More often than not, the situation takes you completely by surprise because you’re used to certain boundaries and comfort levels surrounding the lady in question.
Two things can come from this. You either reciprocate or you don’t.
Now how do you handle things when you can’t or don’t want to reciprocate? You know that either way the relationship as it stands, is in dire straits and it’s very existence is threatened by the development of these feelings if you do reciprocate, but even more so if you don’t. Human beings were not programmed to handle rejection and this sort of rejection is all too often misinterpreted.
Even more dangerous than rejection, is forced reciprocation. You may feel that, for the sake of the friendship, you should go along with it. For that reason and that reason only. You know within yourself, you don’t feel the same as she does, but you don’t want to hurt her so you force yourself into the situation. Now you have unwanted physical contact, you’re bombarded with someone else’s feelings you’re not equipped to handle. And so the resentment breeds. You start doing things to avoid her, think of ways to put her off, and after a while, when you just can’t take it any more, you start becoming just plain rude. This is not fair on either of you.
What also may happen, is that you reach for your running shoes, try to avoid the situation, and bolt out the door. But as experience tells us, this will come back to bite you. This is also not fair on either of you and it leaves too much confusion around the issue at hand.
Experience also tells us that the right decision is not always the easiest. It’s going to be hard, but the best way of going about this, is to be brutally honest from the word go. Yes, she might not take the rejection well, but it will cause much less damage to both of you and the long term damage to the relationship will be minimised. Social interaction may be awkward at first and there will be periods of uneasy silence, but at the very least you can walk away with your integrity in tact.
Not much is worse than chasing after someone that doesn’t want to be with you, but even worse is being with someone you don’t want, because in the end all you’ll be reciprocating is pain, resentment and bad relationship karma.
Everything you need to know about being a Modern Lesbian!And now SA's favorite online lesbian magazine! SEPTEMBER 2012 - THE SPRING FEVER ISSUE
Visiting Luleki Sizwe
Last month I posted an article about Luleki Sizwe. An organization that is fighting it's way to make corrective rape more punishable. Well thanks to Lara Aucamp and Maddy Jerry Wolmarans who has organized that we go as a group go visit this organization and see for ourselves what Ndumie Funda, the founder of Luleki Sizwe, has created. This is the event information as posted on Facebook:
"On Saturday the 19th Cape Town Lesbians would like to take a group of girls to visit the Luleki Sizwe shelter for victims of corrective rape.
For more info: http://lulekisizwe.com/
We will be meeting at Mzoli's in Guguletu at 1.45pm.
Directions to Mzoli's:
If you take the Modderdam:
Rd exit off the N2 out of Cape Town, turn left when you get to Klipfontein Rd, Cross the railway line, pass a petrol station on your left, but carry on down Klipfontein.
Turn left at about the second road after the intersection, and you will see Mzoli's meat immediately on your left.
http://mzolisplace.co.za/
From there we will take a bus (Sponsored by Lara Aucamp) that will take people across to Luleki Sizwe.
The Luleki Sizwe soccer team will also be there and it might be great fun to have a kick around with them :-)
If anyone has anything to donate (clothes, tampons, food, etc) please bring that along. There will be a list sent out shortly with items the girls require.
For more info please contact Maddy at maddy@capetownpride.org
Hope to see you there!"
It would be great if we can get a group together and help out as this is our future.
Words of wisdom by the doc
From the Doc: A message…
There’s always a little truth behind every “just kidding”, a little knowledge behind every “I don’t know”, a little emotion behind every “I don’t care” and a little pain behind every “it’s ok”.
A person who truly loves you will never let you go, no matter how hard the situation.
Being single is a lot wiser than being in the wrong relationship.
If she’s worth it, you won’t give up, if you give up, you’re not worth it.
In the end we only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were too scared to have and the decisions we took too long to make.
There comes a time in your life when you realise who matters and who doesn’t, who never did and who always will.
Don’t take a good woman for granted, someday someone will come along and appreciate what you didn’t.
She loved before, maybe love again, but she loves you now, and nothing else really matters!
There’s always a little truth behind every “just kidding”, a little knowledge behind every “I don’t know”, a little emotion behind every “I don’t care” and a little pain behind every “it’s ok”.
A person who truly loves you will never let you go, no matter how hard the situation.
Being single is a lot wiser than being in the wrong relationship.
If she’s worth it, you won’t give up, if you give up, you’re not worth it.
In the end we only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were too scared to have and the decisions we took too long to make.
There comes a time in your life when you realise who matters and who doesn’t, who never did and who always will.
Don’t take a good woman for granted, someday someone will come along and appreciate what you didn’t.
She loved before, maybe love again, but she loves you now, and nothing else really matters!
Short story
We need to talk!
Riding with my girlfriend back to her place after a long day at work,
she tells me we need to talk... yeah like me everybody thinks uh-oh,
right? I mean, every time someone says “We need to talk” you know
something bad is gonna happen. So she drops that bomb on me...and
stops there. She doesn’t add anything else, I try to remain neutral
and admire the landscape (which means watching the rain falling and
flooding the roads).
Me: ‘Baby?’
Cat: ‘Yeah?’
Me: ‘We were supposed to talk. You said you wanted to talk.’
Cat: ‘Yeah I did, I still do’
Me: ‘Then why is your hand in my pants?’
Cat: ‘cus my hand is cold?’
Me: ‘And you decided that my pants where the best place to heat it up?’
Cat: ‘To keep you concentrated?’
Me: ‘Huh not really. Keep doing that and I will not be coherent much longer’
Cat: ‘To keep you all hot and horny?’
Me: ‘That’s working. But again, won’t help if you want to talk.’
Cat: ‘Talk later, I’m comfy.’
Me: ‘You do realise your flat is 2 minutes away and you are driving.’
Cat: ‘What are you trying to say?’
Me: ‘Keep your hand out of my pants till we’re at your place or you
will not get any hot loving tonight’… (Imagine having a car accident
and police getting us out of the car while her hand is still in my
pants…talk about embarrassing)
Cat grumbles and gives me a puppy face, but takes her hand away.
Cat: ‘Fine have it your way, but later tonight you’re mine’
Me: ‘Right...after the talk.’
Cat: Yeah after the talk, cus we really do need to talk.’
We arrive at the flat, both of us stripping (the 2 seconds we where
outside running from the car till the flat door we managed to get
soaked) and changing into warm comfy clothes. I go to the living room,
settle down on the couch and light a smoke, waiting for Cat to join me
so we can have “the talk”.
She finally joins me after a few minutes, with two cups of coffee.
Me: ‘So you wanted to talk?’ I asked her while sipping some coffee.
Cat: ‘Yeah...You know I like you right?’
I’m waiting, looking at her expecting her to add something to that.
When it became obvious she wasn’t gonna say something else, I just
said ‘Well yeah I know. I like you too, which is good otherwise this
relationship thingy wouldn’t really work…’
Cat: ‘So you’re okay with just liking each other?’
Me: ‘Babe, not all relationships have to be focused on love, we like
each other, we have fun, and the sex is great. That’s enough for me.
I’m not looking for the next big love story. What I want and need is
what I have now.
Cat: ‘So no strings, just fun.’
Me: ‘Exactly...how did this thing come up anyway? We’ve been seeing
each other for a few months now. Did I say something to make you
believe I want more?’
Cat: ‘No....’
Me: ‘Well, what brought this up then?’
Cat: ‘I talked to my mom and she asked if I was seeing someone. I told
her about you and she starts making me nervous with her questions, you
know, ~ is she the one? Where will this relationship lead to? ~ and
stuff like that.’
Me: ‘Do you want something more?’
Cat: ‘Oh no, I’m happy with how this is going. I’m not serious
relationship material.’
Me: ‘So we’re good?’
Cat: ‘Oh yeah we’re good!’
She came closer, and kissed me…then all hell broke loose…I love that
kind of hell.
Valandra Luna
Riding with my girlfriend back to her place after a long day at work,
she tells me we need to talk... yeah like me everybody thinks uh-oh,
right? I mean, every time someone says “We need to talk” you know
something bad is gonna happen. So she drops that bomb on me...and
stops there. She doesn’t add anything else, I try to remain neutral
and admire the landscape (which means watching the rain falling and
flooding the roads).
Me: ‘Baby?’
Cat: ‘Yeah?’
Me: ‘We were supposed to talk. You said you wanted to talk.’
Cat: ‘Yeah I did, I still do’
Me: ‘Then why is your hand in my pants?’
Cat: ‘cus my hand is cold?’
Me: ‘And you decided that my pants where the best place to heat it up?’
Cat: ‘To keep you concentrated?’
Me: ‘Huh not really. Keep doing that and I will not be coherent much longer’
Cat: ‘To keep you all hot and horny?’
Me: ‘That’s working. But again, won’t help if you want to talk.’
Cat: ‘Talk later, I’m comfy.’
Me: ‘You do realise your flat is 2 minutes away and you are driving.’
Cat: ‘What are you trying to say?’
Me: ‘Keep your hand out of my pants till we’re at your place or you
will not get any hot loving tonight’… (Imagine having a car accident
and police getting us out of the car while her hand is still in my
pants…talk about embarrassing)
Cat grumbles and gives me a puppy face, but takes her hand away.
Cat: ‘Fine have it your way, but later tonight you’re mine’
Me: ‘Right...after the talk.’
Cat: Yeah after the talk, cus we really do need to talk.’
We arrive at the flat, both of us stripping (the 2 seconds we where
outside running from the car till the flat door we managed to get
soaked) and changing into warm comfy clothes. I go to the living room,
settle down on the couch and light a smoke, waiting for Cat to join me
so we can have “the talk”.
She finally joins me after a few minutes, with two cups of coffee.
Me: ‘So you wanted to talk?’ I asked her while sipping some coffee.
Cat: ‘Yeah...You know I like you right?’
I’m waiting, looking at her expecting her to add something to that.
When it became obvious she wasn’t gonna say something else, I just
said ‘Well yeah I know. I like you too, which is good otherwise this
relationship thingy wouldn’t really work…’
Cat: ‘So you’re okay with just liking each other?’
Me: ‘Babe, not all relationships have to be focused on love, we like
each other, we have fun, and the sex is great. That’s enough for me.
I’m not looking for the next big love story. What I want and need is
what I have now.
Cat: ‘So no strings, just fun.’
Me: ‘Exactly...how did this thing come up anyway? We’ve been seeing
each other for a few months now. Did I say something to make you
believe I want more?’
Cat: ‘No....’
Me: ‘Well, what brought this up then?’
Cat: ‘I talked to my mom and she asked if I was seeing someone. I told
her about you and she starts making me nervous with her questions, you
know, ~ is she the one? Where will this relationship lead to? ~ and
stuff like that.’
Me: ‘Do you want something more?’
Cat: ‘Oh no, I’m happy with how this is going. I’m not serious
relationship material.’
Me: ‘So we’re good?’
Cat: ‘Oh yeah we’re good!’
She came closer, and kissed me…then all hell broke loose…I love that
kind of hell.
Valandra Luna
Poems by Valandra Luna
You are my fire, my desire
The only one that could calm the storm inside my temple
I don’t give love, I don’t give emotions
All i give is what you see,
One night I might let you release my fire,
But for now, you body is mine, night and day i will taunted you
Let you climb higher and higher
You will release your passion, you desire
Maybe one day I will let you have mine.
Valandra Luna
My soul cries the tears my eyes couldn’t spill.
My heart dies every second we are apart.
My memories haunt me, every second of every day
My spirit died the day you did.
The promise I made keeps me going.
Nothing will ever make me complete, nothing makes any sense.
My paradise chattered into hell, the day your light vanished from my eyes.
Valandra Luna
The only one that could calm the storm inside my temple
I don’t give love, I don’t give emotions
All i give is what you see,
One night I might let you release my fire,
But for now, you body is mine, night and day i will taunted you
Let you climb higher and higher
You will release your passion, you desire
Maybe one day I will let you have mine.
Valandra Luna
My soul cries the tears my eyes couldn’t spill.
My heart dies every second we are apart.
My memories haunt me, every second of every day
My spirit died the day you did.
The promise I made keeps me going.
Nothing will ever make me complete, nothing makes any sense.
My paradise chattered into hell, the day your light vanished from my eyes.
Valandra Luna
Blame the moon Lindie Meyer
Blame The Moon
by Lindie Meyer
Andy was tired, she hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in ages and the sheets were hard and cold on her naked skin. If Jules were there they would stare at the moon and cuddle after making love, fall asleep in each other’s arms and frolic in their dreams, separate yet distinctly influenced by the other. She yawned, tearing up her blue eyes, but it was no use pretending, sleep wouldn’t come to her, she would sooner embrace death in her current state.
Jules had a way of comforting her, shielding her from reality, but Jules had been gone for two weeks and there was nothing left of Andy, not a single thought or emotion other than a need for her life partner, her soul mate, her very soul.
“Andy, my soul, I love you…”
The words kept rolling through her heart, offering her joy and sadness mixed together in lethal dosages.
“I could get on that plane with you Jules.”
Jules declined, a weekend apart wouldn’t kill them, besides, Andy couldn’t join her in the meetings and presentations she had to attend in London all weekend.
They kissed at the airport, held each other tight, joking about little things they had been sharing for twelve years.
“I’ll see you Monday my soul.”
Monday came, but without Jules.
Andy threw the blankets over her head, smelled familiar memories in the fabric.
“How do I start with a new blanket baby?”
She started sobbing, the tears absorbed by the cotton until it was saturated with grief.
“You used to pull the blanket off me, saying I shouldn’t hide my body from the night, then you softly kissed my neck.”
She couldn’t fight off the cold, breathe without stopping tomorrow from coming.
At the funeral she wished it was her coffin, or that they shared one last cuddle while their bodies were being lowered into the ground and sealed off from the living world forever. Both her and Jules’ families were worried, she could tell by the gentle hand on her shoulder, loving stares, words of comfort that brought no comfort whatsoever.
“Jules! Jules! Jules! Jules! Why don’t you answer, I thought you’d always be here, us, remember? You promised! You freaking promised! Why did you promise me that? Why Jules? Why?!”
Andy crawled out onto the floor, Jules had picked the carpet so carefully.
“It’s like running my body over yours, so soft, you can pick the colour my soul.”
“If I am your soul, come and get it, I have no use for it without you, no use…”
She crawled to the window, moon staring at her, somehow looking worried, helpless.
“You see the moon Jules? No matter how big or small, it was always there for us, what do I do with the moon on my own? Do I tell it how much I miss you?”
She got up and placed her palms flat against the window, her knees never parting with her beloved carpet, the soft skin.
“I hate you moon! And I love her! You hear me? Just fall down from the sky cause you’ve lost, you never stood a chance, you’re ugly and she’s beautiful!”
The night was cloudless, but thunder struck in her soul, powerful destructive forces, deepened by pain and despair.
“I will fly with you Jules, wait for me…”
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