When I was asked
to write a column for The Modern L I was incredibly flattered and agreed
without hesitation. Ok, I’d had a few
toots and I’d pretty much agree to anything with a few drinks under the belt,
it really doesn’t take much to twist my rubber arm. The next morning, along with my hangover, the
angst hit and I thought ‘Oooooh fuckity
fuck fuck! What have I done? A straight chick writing for a lesbian
magazine? You’re kidding, right? Bitch, what the fuck were you thinking??’ After I’d calmed down to a panic I had a
little think about it and realised that letties are chicks too – they just
don’t like dicks – and they would probably enjoy a good goss and a good scandal
like any straight woman would, the ones that admit it anyway. Gawd knows, just the stories I’ve heard from
my lesbian friends have shown me you guys tend to thrive on drama! Kidding...
Ok, just a little bit... I’ve had
something weighing on my mind for a few months now and I thought what better
place to vent than right here, especially since the chances of my ‘subject’
ever seeing it are pretty slim. Here’s
hoping she doesn’t turn lezzie in her middle aged years and suddenly follow the
Modern L...
Sometime last
year I hooked up with an old school friend when she found me on Facebook after
we’d had no contact in over a decade.
The two of us were inseparable in primary and high school but when I
moved out of town we lost contact because it was in the old days before cell
phones were invented. Anyway, shortly
after we found each other again her husband of 25 years passed away and my
heart went out to her in a way I’d never really experienced before. It was absolutely heartbreaking beyond
compare. At his memorial her sister came
to me and made me promise that I would spend a lot of time with her, invite her
round, keep her distracted, that kind of thing... A few of my friends warned me against it with
that old platitude about widows wanting to steal other women’s men but I
thought there is NO WAY she’s like that and she would never try that on with me
even if she was. Well... Much to my undiluted horror I soon discovered
that she takes that shit to a whole new level.
Seriously, her husbands’ ashes were still smouldering when she started hunting for dick!!
Everyone who
knows me knows I value my privacy and I’m slightly allergic to the outside
world, so most weekends are spent in our pub at home called ‘The Rabbit Hole’
with my husbands Himself and Hawtentawt.
There are a few other people that get invited regularly and they’ve been
dubbed the ‘Merry Misfits’ so I thought it would be a great way to get her to
meet new people and have some fun. The
very first time we had her round she got quite shitfaced (as one always does in
The Rabbit Hole) and was full of beans, nothing at all wrong with that and she
kept asking Himself to dance with her.
He’s not big on dancing but I made him do it because I reckoned the poor
woman has lost her husband and obviously needs to feel a man’s arms around her
and I genuinely didn’t mind. Himselfs’
cousin was here that night, she is by far the most laid back person I know but
at one point we were walking into the bar and Himself had his head down to hear
what this woman was trying to say and I suspect his cousin thought they were
snogging. She’s never at a loss for
words but at that moment she just rushed into the bar with a panicked shout of
‘Hey!!’ I’ve been with Himself for 27
years and God Bless that man, he is completely
oblivious when girlies come onto him, but after that night he said to me, ‘Babe,
I don’t think you should invite her round again, she’s a predator...’ long pause ‘...a Pterodactyl.‘
Naturally I was on the floor and told him not
to be silly so the next weekend we had her over again. This time Hawtentawt was there too and she took
one look at him and asked me if I thought he’d go ‘straight’ for one night. I thought she was joking until Hawts told me
she propositioned him and he nearly shat himself. That night Hawtentawt crashed in the lounge
so that she could have the bedroom and when I went to say goodnight to him he rocketed off the sofa with his eyes as
big as saucers. He thought it was Ptery
coming to have her dirty way with him and after spending ages trying and
failing to lock the lounge door to keep her out he was feeling rather uhm....
vigilant. So, after that I had both my husbands giving me a hard time
about inviting her over but I don’t tend to do what men tell me so I had her
over again. Hawtentawt suddenly came
down with flu – funny that - so it was just the 3 of us. Himself started yawning uncharacteristically
early and made his way to the sofa leaving Ptery and I to have some ‘girl
talk’. We had a great night reminiscing
about the old days and then she was venting and crying about what she’d been
through, which was fine by me. Isn’t
that what friends are for? I was
exhausted and dying to go to bed but I didn’t feel I could leave her on her own
so I was very happy when she told me she needs to go to sleep and we said our
goodnights. Little did I know that she
had absolutely no intention of being on her own. I went to check on Himself and he was out
cold in front of the telly so I left him there and went upstairs. Less than half an hour later he comes rushing
into our room like he’s seen a ghost and tells me she went to wake him up,
telling him I’ve abandoned her, she’s bored and wants him to ‘party’ with her! I find all of this hysterical but the
guys? Not so much. Bearing in mind that this woman is only about
5ft3 and 45kg’s soaking wet I find it highly amusing that these two strapping
men are so terrified of her.
I still
felt bad about her being lonely , especially since she started calling my house
her ‘home away from home’ so I came to an agreement with my husbands – if we
ever invited her round in future we would have Tony Polony round too, to keep
her *cough* busy. Cool, done deal. I still thought they were being silly seeing
as she’d never met the Polony but agreed to go along with it just so I could
still continue having her over. I’ve
known Tony Polony my whole life and although I wouldn’t call him the type of man
whore for who even a warm puddle of mud would do, he comes pretty close and
often regales us with tales of the bizarre situations he finds himself in. His latest misadventure included being caught
off guard and finding one hand tied to a bedpost with a cable-tie. When he freaked out the woman he’d picked up
took a side cutter to his pinkie toe and threatened to cut it off if he didn’t
calm down! He’s a confirmed bachelor so
it’s all good if he wants to sow his wild oats.
To cut a long story short, that night he came into the Rabbit Hole from
outside announcing with a rather bemused expression on his face that Ptery had
just given him a blowjob in the garden.
Two hours later they disappeared into the guest room and nobody saw them
again for the rest of the night. Me,
being me, clearly had to get the down
low from him when I spoke to him a week later and he told me she nearly broke
him, to the extent that he felt he needed to be hospitalised after that
night. I tend to believe him because
after that he went on a 2 month long detox and we haven’t seen him since. I think he suspects that she’ll be here when
he comes over again, and he won’t be wrong.
I’m feeling very guilty for not having her over since, but my husbands
will kill me if Tony Polony (or any other man) isn’t here too.
Between us, I’m kinda over the whole thing
and a little pissed off at the cheek of it all but there’s no way I’m going to
admit to the guys that they were right and stop having her over... No. Bloody. Way.
Unfortunately the only way I see this all ending is if I emigrate. Or die.
So there you
have it. The latest mindfuck of a
situation I’ve managed to get myself into in a nutshell. Hope you enjoyed reading about it; after all,
lezzies really are just chicks too!
Catch you in the
comics
GeeGee xx
Love the new column, GeeGee! And how do you get yourself into these situations, girl?! lol!
ReplyDeleteAh thanks Dev, that means a lot coming from one of my fav writers :-)) As for how I get myself into these situations? Feck knows... I must have a sign on my forehead or something...
ReplyDeleteGeeGee, that Biaatch doesnt deserve you!! I had a couple of those cross my doorstep back in the day when i was married(to a man).Your story brought back the memories like a bad hangover the morning after. (hey, im sounding like you, almost). Anyway Gee, congrats, this was a very entertaining article and i know you'll have us clamouring for more of your adventures before you can bat an eye! Mwaz my friend. xoxoxo Frankie
ReplyDeleteAh, thanks Frankie!! Thank gawd Himself is who he is because I'm sure most men would've taken what was very obviously on offer! I felt bad at first (naive of me, I know) but now I'm just 'ag, fuck you bitch!' I would NEVER do something like that to a friend... I didn't write about it as revenge though - it was just a very juicy story and I couldn't resist! BAD GEEGEE! lol! big mwahz right back at you bebe! xox
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