From the Doc Elephant in the room...

"There's an elephant in the room, and it's name is sex..."

This problem seems to be more affluent than anticipated, and even though I cannot always solve your problems, I can help you to understand them and maybe through understanding and empathy, you may just find the solution to the problems yourself. As lesbian and as a woman, we often say that sex isn't all that important to us. You are right in a way but also very wrong. This is largely due to the fact that our brains sit firmly between our ears and not between our legs. Also, we think of sex only ten times a day, unlike our male counterparts who think of it a staggering ten times a minute. We also secrete about a tenth of the testosterone they do, and testosterone is the main hormone that contributes to libido. But ladies, let's not fool ourselves, in a relationship, intimacy, more so than sex, plays a very pivotal role in the health and longevity of any relationship.

So the problem is this...
Your partner doesn't have the same sex drive as you. The two scenarios look like this, you have a very high sex drive and your partner has virtual non existent  libido. Or, you have zero to none, and she wants to get it on all day every day. Now, we might not like to admit it, but the situation becomes difficult and puts a lot of strain on you, not jus physically, but more so emotionally.


Intimacy is very important. Making love, not having sex, means that your bodies share a secret and makes a promise that no one else shares but the two of you. Women in general are highly affectionate, and translate touch into feeling, into emotion. We are also very conscious of our bodies. This consciousness may cause us to land up on both ends of the spectrum.

The science for the layman:


As we age, our hormonal levels constantly change. It peaks and plummets at certain ages because our bodies constantly change. Diet, exercise or the lack thereof, pregnancy, menopause, adolescence and medication all influence hormone levels and this in turn influence libido. During our teen years our hormone levels are sky high, then starts dropping around the age of 25 when our bodies stop making growth hormone, and usually starts peaking again around 35-40 as our bodies prepare for menopause. It has also been widely reported that women during their second trimester during pregnancy have a sex drive second to none. It has also been widely recognised that a bad diet and lack of exercise leads to a decline in sex drive. This is because a body fat percentage of over 25% has a massive influence on hormone levels and a rapid decline in the production of testosterone. It has also been proven that regular exercise causes libido to spike because while we exercise our bodies secrete more testosterone, as well as endorphins that make us feel good. then there's medication. Painkillers, anti-depressants, mood stabilisers, sleeping pills and birth control drugs often come with warnings that they influence sex drive negatively. This is because these medications either affect our hormone levels directly or affects the way our brains cope with them.

Sex drive and psychosomatism:


Problems with libido and sex drive far too often come from mental and emotional states. A high sex drive may stem from a constant need to feed the ego or for a constant search for affirmation. The act itself may have very little to do with the need to do it, or in fact not to.


Statistics tell us that an alarming one in every three women have suffered sexual violence at least once in their lives. This statistic increases when it comes to lesbians as at least 2 in every 5 lebian women have either been molested as children or have been raped. This influences sex drive in two ways. Increased promiscuity or no libido at all. This is because of a very distorted view on sex and it's place within the relationship. These women often see sex as a tool; either giving it as a reward or witholding it as punishment because this is how their abusers have conditioned them to think. Survivors of sexual violence don't like sex either because of it's association of the violation that they've suffered and despite your best intentions of trying to convince them otherwise, they see your attempts as added pressure and lack of understanding, and causes even more friction as you both become frustrated with each other.


For many of us, sex is directly translated into love, security and acceptance. That's why a lot of people have what is commonly known as "make up sex". After a big blow out, one or both partners fear that the relationship has been irrepairably damaged and subconsciously have sex to "fix things". Thinking behind this is that if she sleeps with me, she obviosly still wants me. So what do you do if you don't have sex after a fight? How do you feel then? Does your relationship still have a fighting chance despite all this? Wake up ladies, it's not your relationship that intially takes the knock, it's your ego. Your ego in turn affects your relationship.


Some girls, for a number of reasons, just don't like having sex as often as others. They are fine with only having it a few times a month or year and it really doesn't bother them. Others want sex all the time for a number of other reasons. So what happens when these two worlds collide in a monogamous relationship? One partner feels constantly rejected, ugly and inadequate. She thinks that her partner doesn't want to have sex because there's something wrong with her, or she's doing something wrong, while the other feels constantly pressured and as if she's only good for one thing and thats all her partner wants from her. This is how it sends the relationship headed for disaster and throws the importance of intimacy right back into the fray.


Making it right:


There are no quick fixes or easy solutions to this problem. Even though it's our least favourite topic of discussion with our partners, communication is the first step. Not just airing out your own issues but truly listening to the concerns of your other half and wholeheartedly understanding where they're coming from. Then the hardest part, knowing and understanding that neither of you are to blame for this and stop trying to find flaws within yourself as to why things aren't going your way in the bedroom. Then it comes down to doing what we women do best...Comfort each other. This in itself translates into emotional intimacy and may help you overcome certain obstacles. A little understanding also goes a long way. The more your partner believes that you understand her and her needs, she'll be more accomodating to yours and the two of you become closer. Then on the flip side of the coin, if the two of you can't find a solution for the problem yourself, there are many other avenues to explore. Change your lifestyle and become healthier, get regular exercise. Speak to your doctor and look into other alternatives for medication you may be on, or speak to your doctor about medication for libido, and go for therapy if one or both of you may have other than physical libido issues.


There are so many things that threaten a relationship and so many reasons for couples to break up, so in that aspect, yes, sex is not that important and should never ever be the reason why two people, who love each other deeply, can't make it work.