From The Doc

“Broken”

All of us can say we’ve been through it at least once in our lives. And anyone will tell you that it is probably the most difficult thing you’ll ever have to survive. Most of you have already figured out that I’m talking about a break up.

Even though we try to analyze the reasoning behind it until we’re blue in the face, the truth is there are only ever two reasons why a couple breaks up. Either you mess up, or your partner does. In some cases deciding to go into the relationship to begin with can be the biggest mess up of all. I know I’ve been there! Of course there are many different reasons that lead up to either of you messing up but fact remains, when it happens it turns your whole world upside down.

In saying this, two things can result from a break up. The first instance, happiness and relief. If you’ve been in an overdrawn, emotionally draining relationship with someone you don’t really feel much for, or someone who is overly emotionally or financially dependant on you, or someone who abuses you mentally or physically, or you’ve found someone else, you will generally tend to be relieved once things come to an end and you get over it a lot quicker with less emotional scars and baggage. This doesn’t mean you never think about her again or don’t miss her. I mean think about it, it may not have been pleasant all of the time, but you shared things with her and she was a part of your world long enough to get into your head. It’s also not uncommon to think about what she’s doing at that moment, where she is, or when the lesbian ego kicks in, to think if her new partner is willing to put up with as much of her shit as you were. This is totally normal, and by no means, means that you want her back or you aren’t happy with the outcome.

The other situation is like this. You are shattered beyond all comprehension and you find yourself thinking – how will I ever be able to live without her? This happens more often than not. I might not be able to tell you how to get over the fact that everything that matters in your life has been ripped to pieces, because lets face it, everyone, with each their own set of unique thoughts, feelings, coping mechanisms and ideas on things will not be able to relate to a once off set of survival guidelines. But what I can do at this stage is to tell you the whys and how comes of your inner being, and maybe if you understand yourself and your feelings a bit better, you’d be better equipped to start the healing process and move on.

As women, we tend to get emotionally attached at warp speed and that’s one of the biggest reasons why we take so long to get over things, we also invest a lot of time and effort into our relationships and get attached to someone fairly easily. We also know, well for that particular moment at least, what we want out of our human connections and we do our best to get it. A woman’s biggest mistake is also her greatest blessing; we are able to give our hearts away without too much persuasion! Herein lies the problem, as with most things in life, you don’t want it back once it’s broken, and if the girl you were with broke it, she didn’t really want it either and in my opinion, the realization of this fact is the root of our pain.

As lesbians we are always trying to convince others that sex isn’t all that important to us, but let’s keep it real girls! Sex is also a very important reason why we struggle to let go. Think about it…if you’re getting jiggy with someone, you’re basically telling her your most intimate secret and she sees you in a way that no one else does. This is even more so when sex is translated into making love. That’s why I’m not a massive fan of drunken sex (even though I often recommend it to couples who battle to get over their inhibitions or that have lost their spark in the bedroom); break up sex and what is very affectionately known as the sympathy fuck. Believe me, for at least one of you, there aint no love there! All these just before or after a break up is also a very bad idea as it sets you back more than you’ll understand due to the fact that we are women, and we translate the physical into the emotional.

Then there’s the habit factor. When our lives intertwine, we change, evolve and adapt to people and circumstances. Now all of a sudden our entire reasoning behind all of this is taken away so we lose our sense of purpose. Before your lives became one, you could leave your stuff all over the floor, it was ok if you left the dishes till the next morning, you didn’t have to call anyone if you weren’t home at a certain time, you could go to specific places and see certain people without any repercussions whatsoever, you didn’t have to bother with who phones you and you’re not particularly bothered by the whereabouts of someone else. All of that and more get changed when you’re in the relationship and for some more than others, this evolution is extremely difficult. Then it all falls to pieces along with your heart, and the essence of who you’ve become is unstable.

Time is also a vital factor, especially time spent together and time invested in the relationship. Time greatly affects your emotional recovery, whether it was a short or long term relationship. A relationship that is high in intensity but short in duration can be one of the most difficult things to get over largely due to the fact that there are so many unanswered questions, and both fear and curiosity of the unknown is enough to drive us bonkers. What if? Not knowing can be devastating. It is also difficult to make peace with the things you feel. Is it possible to LOVE someone in such a short time? Did I really know the person? She didn’t even get to know me! These things will be stuck in your head for a very long time. On the other hand, if you were in a long term relationship, some of these questions do still remain. It just adds a whole other set of unanswered questions; add to that the habit factor and you have your very own little recipe for disaster.

I’m not a full time writer or a journalist so I don’t pull any punches or pussyfoot around anything, and even though I’m not, I’ll always give it to you straight. I don’t believe in undermining people’s intelligence by feeding them bullshit and stroking their ego’s to get them to like me, I’m here to help those in need with any kind of emotional distress they might be facing and in order to do that I need to earn your trust by being honest. If you’d like answers or advice on anything, please feel free to write to me. moderndrj@gmail.com or look me up on Facebook. As much as I guarantee honesty, you have my word that your privacy will be respected, nothing will ever be published without your consent, and you will always remain anonymous. If you need advise on relationships, abuse, addiction, stress management, grief and much more, I’m waiting for your mail! Watch this space for more articles regarding these issues and I also welcome any suggestions on future articles.